Adamlytics: My Search for the Meaning of Life

I’ve noticed that a lot of people I know have an obsession with money. I see it in two forms: buy material things or hoard.  I understand we need money to survive. But what about this need to accumulate wealth?

I ask this because I have fallen (note past tense, thankfully) into this camp before. I have hoarded money. I avoid spending to “save for a rainy day”. But when is that rainy day? Is it death? Is it if I’m paralyzed? I mean seriously, at that point, who cares about comfort…I’m paralyzed.

I’m sure there are numerous psychological studies on this. Maybe people came from a poor background and feel a need for financial security. What is it about money that makes us comfortable? Is it just another “thing” that gives us security? Do some people find comfort in relationships or something other than money, maybe love (friendly or deeper)? Does everyone have a dependence on something for some reason, and for some people, it just happens to be money?

A friend of mine won’t turn the air conditioner on in his car because he feels like it costs money. He says it uses too much gas. So if people are hot, they have to roll down the windows. I do the math in my head. Spend $30 to fill up a tank. Let’s just say you did that every week, so your cost was about $1500 a year. What if you had to fill up ONE MORE TIME? You’d spend $1530. So the $30 ANNUALLY wasn’t worth the additional comfort of having a cool car when it’s hot as hell outside? I don’t get it. Then again, maybe my brain is just wired to do cost/benefit analysis for even the most trivial things.

Maybe we’re irrational because of what money represents (e.g. Power, Status, etc…). And it’s so strange too because it’s usually the people who have a lot of money that care so much about it. Of course people without money want to make more, but they’re doing it at the subsistence level to eat, stay warm, and have shelter. People with money who do things like keep the AC off in the car easily have enough to afford it. So what is it that makes someone want to save that $.60 per week? What causes this?

Deeper questions and I’m sure there’s no right answer. I also feel this represents a minority of the population, but a minority that I find often in the business world.

Life accumulation, analysis, cost benefit, greed, Life, money, power, status, wealth

I’m in week whatever of training because I have no schedule. I need to sign up for one of these Ironmans, and then develop a full schedule. Right now, my training is geared towards the SF Marathon, which is on July 26th, so I’m not putting enough focus on cycling, swimming, or multi sport training. At this point, I think I’m going to do the St. George Ironman in Utah next May. I’ll figure it out this weekend. I can then develop a full weekly schedule, and I figure serious training will begin about 35-40 weeks from the start of the race.

Last week, I built up my running to 34 miles in the week and added 55 of biking. I was pretty stoked with the workout, particularly the long run on Saturday. I pulled off 16 miles ascending well over 1000 feet in 810 minute miles. I was just happy that my body recovered quickly. I wasn’t really that sore at the grad party I went to on Saturday or graduation the next day. This week, my goal is to get up to about 37-38 miles running. I was only able to cycle once this week because of graduation, and I got in 35 miles today.

Over the next three weeks, I’d like to maintain at least 35 miles of running a week, and if possible, break 20 miles on a weekend long run. In training for my first marathon last year, I never got past 19, and I could really feel it in the race. I think by getting past 20 and adding significant cross training with the bike should help avoid the wall that most marathoners hit at about mile 22. HOPE is the key word there as it seems impossible to avoid that wall!

So today I realized the benefit of drafting. I was riding behind these two guys on the way home from work, and I just flew by them (it was into the wind). Next thign I know, both guys are riding my ass but never passed me. I realized then I was the wind block and they were benefiting. So after dropping off my bag, I cycled to the beach, and on the way home, got behind this couple that was going about 22-25 mph. They were flying. Part of this stretch was into the wind. I got behind them, and I was amazed how much easier it was to ride. But what’s the etiquette? I mean at some point, I’m assuming you have to switch, right?

Ok, that’s it for this week’s training recap. We’ll see what happens this weekend.

Ironman cycling, draft, drafting, Ironman, long run, Running, st. george, swimming, utah

Today I graduated from the Paul Merage School of Business with my MBA. It was such an awesome day. My family was there to support me, and I had a great time with friends cheering, laughing, and just enjoying our last few hours together before the MBA ended. The experience was bittersweet, but one I’ll remember for a long time.

Three years ago, when I decided to start my MBA, I chose a fully employed, regional program because 1) I didn’t want to go into debt and  2) I was getting married and I didn’t want to be apart from my wife.  For the first 1-2 years, I really doubted the value of the MBA and whether it was worth it. As I graduate today, I feel so lucky to have gone through this experience.

I made so many wonderful relationships that I know I will have for a very long time. I’ve found an awesome friend and training partner in Matt, a new female bff in Nour, an awesome friend and business partner in Sherry (and another sistard through this relationship), a gay partner in Mark (we both went to all boys high schools, so we get each other ), and countless other friends who I will no doubt keep in touch with (and I won’t name all of you at risk of leaving out a name, but you know who you are). To me, this masters in business taught me truly what’s important in life, which is friendship and connecting with others, for that is what life is about. As I’ve questioned countless times in this blog, when I die, that is what will make me die happy.

Jenn, my ex-wife, also attended. I must say that this moment was truly bittersweet. I married Jenn two weeks after the MBA started, and today I graduate only a few weeks from finalizing our divorce papers. It’s pretty hard to describe the emotions I felt spending this afternoon with her.

Jenn is my best friend. She probably knows me better than anyone. As you’ve read in my previous blog posts, our marriage was not meant to be. I’ve had advice from people about whether its good or bad to remain friends during this period of transition from married couple to friends, and I must say that the answer to that question is a tough one. Today is a great example of why.

Hanging out for lunch with my family and Sherry’s family felt like old times. That feeling too is one of happiness in the moment, but sadness when it ends. The end of that moment is the realization that things have changed, and what felt normal for so long is now different. I wish I could describe that with a better word, but its very difficult to explain that feeling. It’s one of pain, anxiety, sadness, but also one of happiness that Jenn and I could realize we’re much better friends than a couple.

There are several “ends” in a divorce. There’s deciding on leaving each other, moving out, creating a separation agreement, signing divorce papers, and moving on with other people. All of these events signify an “end” that is difficult to go through, but makes the next inevitable steps in life easier.

Today, when I dropped Jenn off and went back to our old place, I felt this was another “end”. We had both officially completed our educational pursuits in the past two weeks, and these pursuits began when we were dating. I don’t know if you can only imagine what that feels like, but it’s definitely an unsettling feeling. We’ve finished our education and are moving on to the next stages of our life without each other. The other “end” comes in a month when she moves to SF. These ends get easier, but they’re still hard to deal with in the moment.

Despite how tough these experiences can be, I’m thankful for what Jenn and I have. We get each other, and although we don’t have the relationship love that makes a marriage work, we have that friendship love where we can count on each other. Although it’s a tough transition and space is good, these days are worth every minute.

I’ve revealed a lot in these posts, and I hope being real for each of you reading this helps you in your life. When you go through something similar or have a friend or family member who also encounters these sorts of events, I hope that my blog provides some insight into what could be going through that person’s heart. It’s easy to describe the mind, but the heart tends to hide behind that tough exterior that exists in all of us. I’ve tried to move beyond this exterior and reveal what’s deep down.

So today I graduate an MBA. But I’m no master of business, that’s for sure. I am on this journey of life. After several years of searching for my path, I finally feel like I’m on it. To me, the mastery of life has begun. Thankfully, it can’t be mastered, and I will forever be a student!

Here’s to my day of reflection…

Life divorce, friends, friendship, graduation, love, marriage, MBA, paul merage, UCI

So i know what you’re thinking. Uncertain path, must be about being alone, about sadness, about the unknown. Well I’ve been trying to remain optimistic this entire week. I’ve had some good news, some bad news, and through it all, I’ve tried to find the good. And it’s been awesome. What a great week!

But what I want to write about tonight is the uncertain path and what it means. To me, the uncertain path is the future. It can be hours from now, or years. It doesn’t matter.

Uncertainty can take many forms. In the short term, you may not know what your boss is going to give you to do at work, if there will be traffic, what you’re going to eat tonight. Long term, you may not know if you’re going to have kids, die at 40, get an educational degree. Uncertainty surrounds us, constantly. I have often feared this. And this week, I’ve come to understand this a bit more.

For me, uncertainty is scary for a few reasons:

1. Lack of faith – if I had faith, changing circumstances would most likely occur for a reason. Without faith, is there purpose or reason to things
2. Lack of control – if I can’t control something, then how do I get comfortable with it

The more I’ve thought about this, the more I’ve realized that i struggle with uncertainty because of my lack of faith. I don’t mean religion either, I mean trust in a future outcome because there is something greater than ourselves at work in the world (as I wrote about here).When I think about control, I’ve learned based on my recent divorce that I’m not in control. Some things yes, but when it comes to life, I can only do so much. So I keep coming back to faith…

So how do you believe and trust in something good so that anxiety about uncertainty goes away? I know it may not completely go away, but I mean minimize it as much as possible. I’ve read several books that have really caught my attention about faith (new earth, manifest your destiny), but i still struggle in practice.

Faith may come naturally to people who have grown up with it. But what do I do when I know I want it, but know it will not be through religion? That is my struggle this year. My goal is to let go, believe that some things may be meant to be, and just do my best in those things that are within my control.

Is this confusing or do others also experience this? Comments are much appreciated

2009 Goals, Life books, control, faith, manifest your destiny, new earth, religion, uncertainty

Ok, so here I am, sitting in my cabin in Lake Arrowhead on the 2nd night of the closing residential, reflecting on my life. Tonight, it came up in class that I have a blog. I started thinking about what I set out to do in this blog, which was to search for meaning in life. To understand purpose and figure out what truly I should do…

This weekend is all about purpose, life, and why we went to school to get these MBAs. Now that we’re done with the degree, what will we do with it? It’s funny that we’re reflecting on this now AFTER we got the degree. Of course, this economy doesn’t help.

So I ruminate. What is my purpose? I can repeat my challenge in life that I may have mentioned six times today, twice to the entire class: what is ENOUGH? If you’re at a comfortable salary level, then what is the point of promotion? What is the point of more money? What is the point of working more hours? When you’re sitting on your death bed, many years from now (did that trigger braveheart anyone), then will you look back at getting promotions, running a company, or making more money as the things that defined who you are? I think several years ago, I would of answered yes. Today this is a resounding no.

I know that in my life, I will die happy if 1) I loved with my entire heart everything and everyone that was meaningful in my life 2) I grew old with a woman that I would do anything for and we continued to love each other through ups and downs  and 3) I positively impacted others to be better people in their lives (can be kids, friends, students, etc…)

I asked Matt and Rishi what they thought about happiness on their death bed (yes, a very deep conversation one night in our cabin), and they felt this came down to leaving a legacy. Legacy could be different for everyone, but it meant leaving something behind, from your name, to teaching kids to be better, to having kids that you did your best job parenting.

Knowing this, I believe that purpose relates to doing what will make me happy in life. And based on what I mentioned above, I know the things that will get me there. So if I start living for this, how does this impact my work? What happens if priorities shift and those things become the most important things in my life?

I guess we’ll find out…

Life death, happiness, legacy, Life, matt mccollaugh, MBA, meanin, purpose, rishi patel, UCI

Today I ran a little over 12 miles. Like the half marathon I ran about a month ago and the 10 miler I did the next weekend, I got a bad stomach cramp. This is the kind of cramp that makes you run bent over so you minimize the pain (think grandma), which of course ends up causing back pain and stiffness. I try to avoid walking, but sometimes, I just can’t help it.

I believe I get these cramps for 3 reasons

1. Bad dieting (read stomach problems)
2. Dehydration
3. Pushing too hard

I think each one of these runs was the result of one of the problems above. In my half marathon, I went to the bathroom four, yes FOUR, times before the race. Pre-race jitters, plus I want to make sure I don’t have to go on the run. I’m sure for all those runners reading this out there, you’ve encountered the stomach bubbles/pounding that resulted in a sprint  into the bushes or to the nearest gas station.

Having gone to the bathroom four times, I didn’t rehydrate myself enough to make up for it. Surprisingly, #2 bathroom trips do dehydrate you. Without the water, I started cramping around mile 5 and just ran through the pain till the end of the race. If only I had a few more cups of water…

The week after, I was feeling pretty good having taken the entire week off and coming off breaking 100 minutes in the half, so I pushed myself too hard. I was doing 7:20 miles for 10 miles, and around mile 8, the pain was unbearable. As I slowed it down, the pain eventually subsided.

Today was diet. Last night we had our final MBA banquet to celebrate our accomplishments, and I had some pretty greasy food, cheescake, and a bunch of different alcoholic drinks (whiskey, beer, wine – in that order – not good). Despite drinking water all morning, my body was not meant to run. Around mile 7, the cramp began.

When I get cramps, I’ve tried a few things. First, I slow my pace down about 10%. That usually keeps the pain constant. At that point, i pound water, if possible. Sometimes that makes the pain worse, but sometimes it makes it better within minutes. I’ve found the best remedy though is to pound water and walk for 30 seconds to a minute. This gives you enough time to walk off the pain without killing your time. The water usually helps the cramp (or stomach issue).

If you of course have the stomach issues resulting from bad diet, sometimes the bushes are the best solution. Fortunately, I’ve always been near a gas station when this has happened.

Tomorrow I’m hoping to do a 50-60 mile ride to Long Beach. This has been a step back week where I’ve cut my mileage to about 25 miles running. Next week, Ill ramp it back up.

Ironman cramp, pain, Running, stomach, stomach cramp, training

Ok, i will assume this is my first week of ironman training, or at least first documented week. It’s been a challenging one. This past weekend, I ran 17 miles, biked 51 on a 2500 ft ascent, swam for 45 minutes, and did 5.5 miles of speed work yesterday with push ups, pull ups, and sit ups to finish it off.

Today, well, today is a day off. A well deserved one. But when I get obsessed with working out, these days off feel like a step back. Nevertheless, the rest days are probably the most important days of the week (from what I read). My muscles need it to rebuild from the damage inflicted over the previous few days. Active.com says that it takes about 2 weeks of inactivity to start losing what you have achieved. So what’s one day ?

Today i have serious shin splints. Tomorrow I plan on doing more speed work in the morning. I think though, how will I do it with the pain I feel today? I feel like this is the ongoing dilemma of training, and I’ll probably write about this over and over. I think a key point of training is learning to work through pain. Know your body’s limits, and push through it if you’re able. When your body screams stop, stop. But if it’s simply pouting, work through it.

I’ve also been hungry as hell lately. My god. I swear I ate a total of about 5 meals yesterday. I guess this makes sense given that I burned over 5k calories with just my two workouts on the weekend. But it’s weird eating almost twice as much as usual and still feeling hungry.

And I guess I need to get used to being more tired from weekends then my week at work. Mondays are brutal, and with the difficult, intense work weeks, each day just gets harder. I will need to change my sleep patterns to figure out how to recover.

So many things to consider when changing your training regimen to about 10 hours a week. I wonder what 15 hours a week will bring?

Ironman biking, cycling, Ironman, Running, swimming, training, triathalon

The weekend will not be the same for the next year. That’s a sacrifice I have to make if I want to continue with this training. Today, I woke up at 730 AM and ran 17 miles. My goal pace was 8:15, and I did 8:14, so I was pleased. Tomorrow, I plan on biking 50 miles. I remember when I trained for my first marathon last year, I would run 17 miles and not be able to walk for the rest of the day, have to sit in the pool, and often have to take a nap or sit on the toilet for the rest of the afternoon (too much info, but this blog is brutally honest).

I think I’m in better shape because I feel like I can do this ride tomorrow. And soon, I’ll have to do that ride before the run. Crazy when I think about it, but that’s what an ironman is (except almost double the distance + swim )

Anyways, the weekend is now different. I need to get up early both days to get my workouts in before it gets too hot. That usually means a tame evening the night before with healthy food and little alcohol. By the time Saturday night rolls around, I’m pretty tired from the 2-3 hours of working out that morning. Without a nap, it’s pretty tough to energize to go out. So when they say Ironman is a commitment, it’s not just a training commitment. It’s a way of life.

I’m sure I’ll ask myself throughout the year is it worth it? I mean, when you finish the ironman, all you get is the achievement of finishing an ironman. No money. No fame. No glory. Just the fact that I know I completed a monstrous task. I’m sure sometimes it will be worth it, other times not. But at this point in my life, I have no doubt that the answer is yes.

So this week, I put in 50 miles of riding and 30 miles of running. Next week, I’ll do a bit more biking and a bit less running. I’d like to keep up the 30 miles a week of running for the SF marathon on July 26th. I think I’ll be prepared, as long as I do the appropriate speed work during the week and distance on the weekends.

I think the key in doing this training is listening to my body. If my body tells me to stop, I need to stop. If it says stretch, stretch, etc….Incrementally adding to my workouts is best…not drastic increases in mileage or decreases in speed. If I stick to the plan, then the 50 mile ride, 20 mile run in a day won’t be a problem. And hopefully in a year, 2.4, 112, 26.2 will be possible!

10 PM on a Saturday night. Time for bed so I’m ready for my ride tomorrow. Good night everyone!

Ironman Ironman, long runs, marathon, Running, training, weekends

I’ve decided to document my training for my first ironman. I’ve looked around for people documenting their training to learn what works, what doesn’t. To hear the stories of pain and enjoyment. To learn from other’s actions. But there aren’t too many out there. I did find a few good ones though that I’ll start following, but tribuddy hasn’t been updated in a while (Victoria Schlosser’s seems solid).

Both of the about me sections of these two blogs do a great job of explaining what would push someone to do something as crazy as swimming 2.4 miles, biking 112, and running 26.2 miles. And yes, that .2 matters…it’s literally hell on earth.

For me, I want to push my limits. I want to prove to myself that I can do anything, even something I originally shot down as impossible. And I want to learn to enjoy the journey. I’ve always been about the results, and for once, I want to enjoy the process more than the outcome. That is my goal. So when I think about times, qualifying for Kona, finishing, etc…, i just want to run a good race. I want to feel confident going in that I can do my best because I’ve gone through the process and believe that I can do it.

I’m training for one of two ironmans: the st. george ironman in Utah in May of next year or the Arizona Ironman in November. I want to do the St. George ironman, but there are hills, and frankly, the distance alone is enough to scare me, why torture myself with elevation. But when I think about it, one of my strengths is going uphill, so why not use that to my advantage. So in my mind, May 2010 will be my first ironman.

I started training about 2-3 months ago. My training focused more on marathons, but I added cycling and recently added swimming. I’m doing about 8-10 hours of training a week right now. I’m running about 25 miles and biking about 60. Some weeks more, some weeks less. When I get into full swing, I plan on running about 30 miles a week, swimming a mile or two, and biking 150. Full training will be about 17 hours a week.

I run hard. They say that you should slow down by about 2min/mile from your marathon pace on long runs, but I’ve had trouble doing that. I run about 730 pace when its under 13 miles, and 8 min pace beyond that. I’ve been cramping (stomach), so we’ll see how long I can keep up that pace for.

I also bike pretty hard, but I want to get stronger and faster. I currently ride at about 18 mph when i go less than 2 hours, and about 15-16mph at 2 hours +. I’d like to comfortably do 18 mph for 100+ miles.

Swimming will hopefully be one of my strenghts. i swam for 8 years or so as a kid, and I think i can handle 2.4 miles. We’ll see though. You just never know.

The thought right now of working this hard is actually soothing. I find training to be a way for me to clear my mind and enjoy who I am. I feel great when I’m on the road with my music, taking in the views. It’s like meditation for my mind, except my body hates me.

So I’ll document the good, the bad…the bodily function breakdown, the nutrition, the heat, the cold, etc… I’ll give you the full story, and you can decide whether you’d like to join me on a similar journey one day in the future.

I leave you with this…in Run Fatboy Run, Hank Azaria states that he likes to run marathons, to which Simon Pegg responds, “Why?”. I’m sure many of you are thinking the same thing…maybe my journey can answer that question!

Ironman arizona, cycle, Ironman, marathon, st. george, swimming, utah

I received an email tonight from my friend Courtney and her husband Brandon. Their cat passed away. Kylee fought cancer for a few rough months. Each time I think about Kylee, I am sad. I mean really sad. Kylee’s passing affects me way more than I thought.

I really identify with loss now. I hate to say this is a good thing, but it’s one thing I’m proud I’ve learned over the last few months. My grandpa passed away 3-4 years ago, and I didn’t shed a tear. I felt inside, but that connection between that feeling and me was miles apart. Now, my friend’s cat passes away, and I’m deeply saddened by the loss and can’t think about it without a tear running down my face.

Of course I don’t mean to bring up that comparison as a relevant comparison….merely an illustration of the person I am today. I’ve gone through loss in the past few months and I’ve had to process and figure out what life is like when you live with loss. There have been ups, been downs, but that feeling of pain stemming from loss is very real to me now even though it’s not a regular feeling like it once was, I hate to see others go through it because I’m well aware of what it feels like!

I think about Courtney and Brandon and what this loss meant to them. I have so much empathy for what they’re going through, and I feel so bad for them. I wish there’s something that could bring Kylee back, but that’s the thing about loss…it’s gone. And you have to deal with the loss.

I think today about my two cats, riley and toby. I think about them growing up. I think about the day Toby got sick, and I was up all night taking him to emergency hoping that it was just a temporary problem. I think about how each day when I come home, they run to the door and follow me throughout the house. I think about the several nights I couldn’t sleep and sat in my bed, staring at the sealing with tears running down my face, and Toby crawling up to me and not leaving me alone providing love in an otherwise dark moment. I think about how these two boys, although cats, have become a huge part of my life. What would I do if one suddenly fell ill and past?

When you go through crisis in your life, pets are amazing companions. They love you no matter what you do or who you are. They don’t judge. It’s unconditional love (unless of course you don’t feed them, then it could be conditional hate). Tonight, I hug toby and riley a little tighter. With the wicked world we live in, we don’t know what tomorrow brings.

Brandon/Courtney, I’m deeply sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine what it would be like. I’m happy you have each other and you have Bodhi. Your hearts are so big and your love so strong that I know this can’t be a good time. Some people may say its just a pet, but I know how much more a pet can be. You’re in my prayers!

Animals, Life death, loss, love, Pets, unconditional love