Becoming IronAdam

i don’t know about most of you, but I’ve always had trouble being emotional. Maybe it’s just a guy thing, but to cry was to show weakness. I don’t know where I got that, and I would say that many of my friends who know me pretty well would call me sensitive (for a guy at least), but being sad was never something that was easy for me, especially in front of others. I’ve even been called a robot from those really close to me, and to be honest, that sucks. It only sucks because it was the truth

So I’ve had a lot to deal with in my life lately. I’ve had to be emotional quite often, in front of people that I’m not used to. I’ve learned which of my friends can handle emotion, and which can’t. I have learned that being emotional is not a sign of weakness, but it’s an indicator of being human and growth. How do people grow if they are so disconnected from their feelings that they can’t act how they feel at any given moment? How do friendships blossom if you can’t sit down with someone and talk about those feelings, and for a moment, actually feel them?

I visited my friend Shay tonight to pick up some games from him. I haven’t known Shay for long, about 2 years or so. Much more in the last 6 months as I’ve been in a group with him in 2 of my classes. Shay was diagnosed with brain cancer in 2007, and he’s been fighting this SHITTY disease ever since. He’s struggled through I believe 3 surgeries, and he’s fighting for his life each day. To me, Shay is my hero. Not because of his survival, but because of his courage and love that he still has despite the challenges he’s faced.

Shay’s strength lies in his family, which gives him the unwavering courage to fight this disease. His attitude is as good as it gets. If you met Shay, you couldn’t tell for a moment from his attitude that he had cancer. He is strong. Tonight, he said something to me where I could really see Shay.

I mentioned to him I was going through a divorce. I said, to be honest, your story has made me realize that divorce isn’t that bad. Despite hardship, I realize that there are plenty of things I should be thankful for.

He said (not direct quote, but something similar), Adam, my wife and child keep me going. They’re the ones who haven given me the strength to fight through this. I wouldn’t be able to do that without them. (indirectly: what you’re going through sucks and I understand).

Here is my friend battling death, and he has enough compassion for empathy. I was overwhelmed with sadness when he said this. Of course, like the true man that I was, I hid it, shook his hand, and left his house. But I’m hoping Shay could feel from me what those words meant. He understood my pain despite the suffering he’s encountered. I don’t know why that is meaningful to me, but it was a great show of friendship that I wasn’t expecting. I hope too that Shay knows how much I beieve in him and hope that he will be loving his family for many years to come!

I know it’s not socially accepted for men to publicly display feelings. Hell, women too. But i want to make the extra effort to not hide from my feelings. I want to show sadness when I’m sad, anger when I’m angry, and joy when I’m happy. It would be nice to do this without being judged, but unfortunately, our society is all about snap judgement, and that is something I will have to learn to deal with. Through showing emotion, I hope I can strengthen my friendships with others. I don’t want to hide behind the true feelings in an effort to come across “stronger” than I am. Strength lies in connecting deep within, not by hiding behind a tough exterior! Easier said then done though.