Becoming IronAdam

So i know these posts have been a bit personal lately, but from the comments and feedback I got from last post, I realize that people want to read about something real and truly understand someone. I don’t know if I’m personalizing this statement, but my guess is that people go through so much of their day often hiding how they truly feel or what they want to say that when someone says what they are feeling, others identify.

Don’t get me wrong, this is not judgment. I do this constantly. In fact, I feel like corporate world (emphasis on WORLD, not just in the U.S.) trains us to do this. We live in a hierarchy where people like us or they don’t, and based on that like, we’re promoted or not. Disagree with something that someone senior says, and most often, you’re holding that comment in. It’s unfortunate, but it’s the truth.

I get sidetracked. I’ve never really known what a broken heart feels like. Yes, I’ve had my heart broken in the past. Several times in fact. I remember it being painful, but I also remember it lasting for just a short period of time. Usually, I dove into something, whether it was golf, drinking, work, or friends and video games, something served as a distraction. Three weeks ago, I was distracted. I felt fine. I lived in a dream world where nothing was wrong. Sure, I hurt every once in a while, but it was rare, and I was moving on…

Then I went to Germany, and without TV, internet, friends, english, sun, and community, I was alone. I had to face what I felt. I had to feel the heart that had been broken. And that was not a comfortable place.

I needed to find this place though because I can’t walk away from this and think that distractions will help. My heart truly is broken. I loved someone so much and dreamt of dying with this person, and that person will now just be my friend. The fondest memories that used to bring joy now bring pain, and that alone is quite devastating. The house feels emptier, the abbys are without the one who helped raise them, and the love that once filled the air is now just reminders of what is lost.

The heart is not whole when it goes through something like that, and although you can distract yourself from what you feel, it is hard for the heart to heal from distraction. So I faced it. I started combing through pictures and going through my memory bank of vacations, celebrations, and hard times. I allowed myself to feel all the good and the bad that came with the relationship, and I wished I could escape most moments. Each day though, I got stronger. Not strong, but stronger.

I finally reached a place where I felt comfortable knowing that I was hurt, and that was OK. Everyone wants to distract you when you go through something like this. Go meet girls, drink, play video games, party…that’s really great. But each night, i still come home to the memories, and I can’t put that off. I must face them and realize that a broken heart is short term pain for long term strength. But if I don’t face the pain and mend the broken heart, then I will not be a better person on the other side of this despair.

I wrote a very personal (and private) post the night that Jenn and I came to this decision. I leave you with a piece from that post, and hopefully you can understand why a broken heart may hurt, but it heals stronger.

“Jenn will always hold a special place in my heart. she taught me to love deeply, to forgive, to understand, to support, to be myself, to find myself, to feel and not be afraid of expression, to help others when you truly don’t need that next thing, and to build a relationship off trust and friendship. i hope that I’m friends with Jenn for the rest of my life. she has been more than a wife to me. she has been a friend, a teacher, a confidant, a supporter, and the little person that sits on my shoulder and encourages me to be better. losing that on a day to day basis is hard, and in writing this out, I’m realizing why. but if it works out well, i hope we can continue to build on this great friendship.” – January 18, 2009