This week has been rough. I sat in line at the family court house on Wednesday to file my divorce papers. I can honestly say I haven’t felt that bad in a long time. I don’t know if anyone else out there feels this way, but as I was sitting and waiting for my number to be called, my heart pounded, I had high anxiety, and I felt pain and sadness, but I could not let it out. In this moment, I had to bear with it. It felt like I was squealing in my chair, trapped with no choice but to wait for C-323 to be called. For this is CA, and this is now a court house I’m dealing with to end my marriage.
How messed up is that? I submit my paper work to the clerk, she stamps a bunch of things, asked me for my $350, and the end of my marriage BEGINS. In six months and one day, it will be over. Seriously CA, can you make this any shittier?
So that made this week rough. But like a lot of this pain, each day seems to get better. When this started, it seemed like an hour of pain for an hour of joy (or better, no pain). Later on, it was 2-3 hours of joy for each hour of pain. Now 6-7 hours. So time does heal wounds. The one thing I’ve learned though is when you hit those times of pain, it really hits hard. It hits as hard as the first time, and it doesn’t seem to get easier. I hope with time, this too will dull.
But what’s the best way to deal with that? At the onset of that feeling tonight, I decided to watch Eagle Eye on Blu-Ray. Not the best movie, but it kept me entertained for a good two hours. Then the movie ends, the pain returns. It doesn’t make sense! How can that distraction be literally a temporary gap for a feeling of pain, only to have it return when it ends.
It made me realize that avoidance isn’t a cure. Maybe avoidance buys you team so the heart can heal faster. Maybe avoidance is the fast forward button in life. But is it? Will the heart heal if you avoid? Or will it just hit you one day when the feeling of loss becomes real again? Maybe a different type of loss? A death? A move away?
I’ve heard from several people that a divorce is like a death. A death of us. A death of the future. Is it also a rebirth of individuality? Of me? Timothy Hsu made a great comment to my we vs. I post when he said “Studies show that divorce exacts a greater and longer-lasting emotional and physical toll than virtually any other life stress, including widowhood.” If this is a death, how do you move on? How do you keep a friendship when it is a death of us? Can the relationship and friendship be separated, and you think of the death of the relationship, but not the friendship?
Life is confusing. I don’t know what the next few weeks will bring, but despite these low moments of pain, I feel like there are good moments ahead. I look forward to each. I leave you with two quotes. For me, they help me get through the day.
“We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey.”
Kenji Miyazawa
“When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.”
Kahlil Gibran
#1 by Photina on March 6, 2009 - 8:41 am
I think its the matter of choice. With death, as I’ve said, you are helpless…you have no choice in the matter. So all you have left is your grief. But divorce takes a conscious choice, and you are choosing to hurt. Maybe the cold formality of the state process will be, in hindsight, practical. With the immensity of pain you feel, the waiting, stamping, and finality of the process leaves you one less process to think about – and gives you room to surround yourself with people who can help you get through this. Don’t just distract yourself with movies and solitary pursuits, though those will be helpful. You have a large group of friends ready to help you.
When we lost my brother, my therapist told me that I need to find people to help me with my burden. I couldn’t give it all to someone else, but every little bit counts. I was told to envision every conversation I had with a friend as allowing them to carry 10% of my pain. Maybe it didn’t completely take it away, but the fact that I knew someone it my life was willing to help me go through it and lighten that burden made the healing process happen for me. It brought me closer to my friends as well, because once they carry even 10% of your pain, they have become a part of you even more.
Anyway, wordy. Its good you are blogging. You write very well.
#2 by Anup on March 6, 2009 - 11:32 pm
Beautiful blog. I was about to sleep and accidently read this blog. Now, I am all up and can’t sleep.
It is tough to quantify or cure a heartache with some defined process but as Photina mentioned that she shared her burden with some meaningful people and they helped her tremendously. There are many healing processes and one has to try the best combination that would work for him/her.
Thanks for giving me some time to think in this fast pace crazy life.
#3 by H on March 7, 2009 - 9:35 am
I’m really sorry that you had to go through that this week.