Becoming IronAdam

Last night I found out that the cat I gave to my ex-wife passed on. He was just under five years old. He died in one of the worst ways I can imagine. He fell from her 15 story apartment in San Francisco. When I got the news last night, I could not stop crying. Riley was the first cat that we got, and he was the cutest little guy.

I’m horrible with death. I have the worst death anxiety, and for those who are close to me, you know I’m really that cat guy who is extremely attached to animals. News of Riley’s death has shaken me, and I know in due time, I’ll move on and cherish the love for my guys more, but in this moment, I can’t help but think about my first pet as a grown up. I kept having horrible dreams last night, and I decided to get up and write a post for Riley.

Riley was the “little guy”. He was smaller than Toby, his brother from the same litter, but boy he was a cute rascal. He always wanted to be “free” from the confines of the house. Toby was happy just being around me. Riley, on the other hand, always wanted to escape. From walking the rail on the balcony to running out the front door and down the hall way as soon as it opened, he was a cat that didn’t want to be trapped. In some ways I think about his jump out the window as his escape. He was moving on and if you believe in reincarnation, maybe he wanted to be something else. I don’t know, but I just know that I miss him.

What hurts me most is I don’t know how Jenn handled it. Jenn has had a tough time moving up to San Francisco, where she really wanted to learn to be on her own and that’s the biggest reason for our divorce. For some of you who are new to my blog, I wrote some pretty detailed posts about the divorce early on, and publicly discussing it really helped me get through it. We’ve remained friends throughout the process, which I think is unusual in this circumstance. So when she broke the news to me last night, I knew it was hard for her because Riley meant everything to her. I know she felt bad for how it happened, and it’s not worth getting into the shoulds and the what-ifs. I hurt for her because i know this loss affects her the most.

The hardest part of his death is that Riley kept Jenn from truly being alone, and it really hurts me to think that he has moved on in life, leaving her to fend the world on her own. I don’t know what I’d do without Toby for the past few months, and if I saw Toby’s dead body lying on the ground after a fall like that, I don’t know how I’d get myself out of bed. It’s been hard enough for me to sleep just imaging Riley on the side of the road, and I don’t know what I’d do if faced with the situation. To be honest, it’s like my worst nightmare. It’s why I can’t watch the I am Legend scene where his dog dies in his hands. Jenn, if you do ever read this, please remember Riley for the pictures here and how awesome he was as a companion. Those images can hurt someone for life, and I want you to remember the good things about Riley so you’re not scarred from getting another pet in your life time. Riley was awesome. Honor him for the support he gave you and the friend he was. I know the feeling can be empty and you’re being a trooper through this. I’m sure your faith has helped!

I try to rationalize it, saying he served a purpose in my life and in hers. That he’s moved on to better places. But it still doesn’t relieve me of the sadness of Riley exiting life before I felt it was his time or the heart ache I feel for Jenn for losing her friend. I think about Shay, a friend who passed away last week from my MBA program, and I think how cruel life can be sometimes, striking some of us down before the natural course of life. I wonder why. Why take this genuine, loving father and husband from us when the higher power had every opportunity to heal him in numerous surgeries (brain cancer). It’s hard for me to engage on Shay’s death because of my overwhelming fear of dying. I’ve read emails from my friends and facebook posts, and I have such a hard time responding or commenting because I would be acknowledging that yes, death can be just around the corner for any of us. Cherish life.

I then I get word about Riley, and it’s like the joke’s on me. It’s like there’s god saying to me, I’m going to make you face this whether you like it or not. I’m going to make you think about the decision to give Riley to Jenn four months ago so that she could have her cat and the natural order could progress. I’m going to make you think about the image of death, how real it is, and how it could be around the corner. I’m going to make you appreciate life. But first, I’m going to show you how real death is…

And this weekend, I’m going to my girlfriend’s aunt’s funeral. Another person who has moved on – another sad day for so many people. Is it god’s way of testing my faith? Of saying, find belief because if you don’t, then what happens when the heart stops and the eyes shut.

I wanted to take a break from my training blogs and get back to why I truly started this blog – to ruminate about life and principally, understand purpose here on earth. There’s nothing that makes you reflect more than death. And I know some of you think Riley was just a cat, move on. But when you raise a pet, when it helps you through tough times, when it’s there for you when you come home everyday and when you need him the most, the loss can be painful. The emptiness can feel so real.

Riley – you were an awesome cat. You provided joy and support for me and Jenn in your life, and you will be forever remembered! Wherever you are, I hope you found peace!