Archive for category Random
Why social media isn’t good for….me
Posted by Adam Ainbinder in Ironman Training, Life, Time Constraint on March 11, 2010
The downside of being a fully employed triathlete is that there is a lot less time for social media, including writing this blog. I’ve taken on a lot more responsibility at work, and I’ve seen my free time slowly vanish into oblivion (yes, that happened slowly). I’ve broken down my time into work, training, girlfriend, dog, and sometimes there’s a little leftover for [insert something fun here]. And definitely not in that order (right, Adrienne 
). Given these time constraints, I’ve simplified my life and really focused on what’s important.
And with that….I’ve struggled a lot internally with the benefits of this blog and of social media in general. I keep coming back to what is the point – if this is a journal, why does it need to be public? Are others learning from what I write? I know I read other blogs because I learn a lot from those people – about workouts, about new products, and about how to go about a daily life. But why should I feel I’m that important?
And what about social media? I didn’t realize how much time social media took up until I gave it up for the past month and realized how much more time I had, how I could finally focus on things that were important and not get distracted every 10 minutes with incoming facebook posts or twitter feeds. I should note that I am continuing to avoid it even after my month hiatus ended, which should be the clearest indicator of how I felt that month went.
But it’s more than just gaining time. Because of the lack of deep meaningful relationships built over social media, I found that I was becoming someone I didn’t like. For example, I was extremely active in dailymile before I left for my Greece trip nearly two weeks ago. Daily mile was the one site I was continuing to update/check despite my social media break. I haven’t posted since that trip, and damn I feel good. I found that I was often working out just to see what others thought of my workouts. I even would venture to say that I’d workout for other people’s critique. I was even calling out other people’s embellishments because of that inner baby, i mean competitive spirit, within me. I lost sight of what training is about, of what I set out to do when I decided to do an Ironman last summer. Yes, community is great. But when I start doing things for others or what others think, I’ve fallen off the path I set.
In addition, I think social media is very self interested with the appearance of being social and for the betterment of the community. I convinced myself that I was doing social media for myself and trying to help others, but then I realized that I created a feeling of self importance. Do people really care? Or do people care about you because they want you to care about them? And let me clarify: I’m referring to the people too that you don’t know in real life. I really care about what my friends are doing, and to be honest, since I took my social media hiatus at the beginning of February, I’ve missed knowing what those people are doing on a day to day basis.
But going back to my point, I want to clarify this. I stopped interacting with a number of people online because I felt they were in this category, and they drove me nuts. To illustrate, let me give you a “real life” example rather than an online one. A friend of mine in high school would always want people to come to him. Everything was at his house. If things took place elsewhere, somehow it seemed to end back at his place. The parties came to him, he didn’t go to the parties. When I look back at these events, I’d say I ended up at his house for nine things for every one he came to mine. But it always appeared that he was just being social and fun and his place just happened to be more of a cooler place to hang. To me, this is narcissism. Why do I make the efforts to go to you when things aren’t reciprocated. That is not community.
What I found in social media is that many people possess this – they communicate and talk to others because they want those same people to follow them and come to their site and check out what they have to say. It’s very self interested, although it appears to be “community building”. I found myself creeping into that category. I could give you examples of these people, but I think you’d know them if you think about your interactions in this context. Do they really care about you? Do they really want to help you or do they simply want to tell you how great they are and thank you for supporting them? Or do they talk to you because they want you to read their blog? This type of person has left a sour taste in my mouth for social media, and I can be hard on myself because at times, I’ve slipped into this category.
So what’s been my answer – giving up on social media. I still check out blogs of the people I enjoy following. And I plan to continue to blog as soon as work dies down a bit (which may be never, but somehow I’ll figure out how to do both). Based on what I’ve said, one could argue that I’m continuing to go down this narcissistic path by blogging, but this is one area I disagree. I blog for those close to me who want to find out what I deeply care about. I blog so that I can have a journal of what I do, and maybe that journal of training and life can help others on their chosen path. But with a blog, people can choose to read. They can find me possibly in a search engine on a topic they care about. They don’t have to follow me or friend me. It’s a one sided option.
I know many of you may disagree with this, and I’d love to hear about it. But for me, my interactions have become more meaningful since I gave up social media, and I’ve found the time to keep in touch with those I need to keep in touch with. Surprisingly, I’ve even discovered how to use the phone again! Crazy!
Business Travel
Posted by Adam Ainbinder in Business Analytics, Life on February 28, 2010
Today was the first time in my life where I was sitting in front of my computer and I was shocked to see it was Sunday when I looked at the date! Jet lag, or long days, or intl flights, or maybe just the delays are starting to make this one of the longest “days” I’ve ever had. I know following days should be an easy thing, but when you do this international travel through 9 hour time zone changes, it’s easy to forget.
I also failed to mention I’ve been in the frankfurt airport since 10:30 AM. It’s now 6 PM. Berlin time. I think. This photo just came in
Ugghh! Shoot me! It’s like the day will never end. I’m on my way to Crete through Frankfurt and Athens. I think I’ve been in Frankfurt for 8 years, errr, hours. Was supposed to be arriving in Crete right about now, but instead I’m hoping to catch a 12:45 AM flight tomorrow. And that depends on getting to Athens tonight, before 12, and that seems unlikely.
This travel will be about 46 hours from the time I left my home to arriving at the hotel in Crete! That’s a long ass time and what I really hate about business travel. That’s about 14 hours more than I wanted, and with a lot less sleep than I planned in between. Although I deal with this, it sucks! I guess some people thrive on it though. Maybe one day I will. But that day is not today, and nothing sounds better than a warm shower and some soft box (or line of chairs) to sleep on! And a USA hockey win!
Random thought: Switching lanes on the hwy
Posted by Adam Ainbinder in Life, Random on January 25, 2010
This topic SERIOUSLY amazes me. I don’t know if this is a Southern California thing, but next time you’re on the freeway, try switching lanes two ways.
Way 1: Look to see when there is space and go
Way 2: Look to see where there is space, signal, and go
In Southern California, I’d say that almost 80% of the time when I’ve signaled, the car that was cruising at the same pace for at least a mile, SPEEDS UP! What the hell is wrong with that scene?
I don’t know if this is consistent with my theme lately of being a runner and biker and HATING cars because they seem to not understand that if they hit me in their car, that I will get HURT! For every 3-4 hour ride I do, there’s at least one close call and at least one other asshole driver that needs to get really close to me on my bike despite having a gigantic lane to drive in. Doesn’t he realize if he as much as touches my bike, there’s a good chance I will fly off and break something. And why do drivers get so mad when bikers share a lane for a quarter mile because of a tight lane or close shoulder? You’re losing maybe 15 seconds of your day for my safety. Is that too much to ask? Not to mention it’s my right to share the road.
Sorry, I rant. But why do cars naturally speed up? And I heard that Californias never signal – is this the root cause? Is it because when I do signal, there is a greater chance of that gap closing? Today, this gap was widening as I tried to get into the lane for the freeway off ramp. Instead of just doing my usual cut and go, I signaled, and the white BMW SUV speeds up and has to slam on his/her breaks. I don’t even look back thinking how ridiculous this is, but what’s behind that?
Is it our competitive spirits? Is it our concern for time? Does our cost/benefit analysis capability in our brain just breakdown at that moment and we forget we are maybe losing 2-3 seconds of our lives? All I know is that I let people in now when they’re signaling, unless of course I’m forced to slow down. Then I get upset for an entirely different reason
Time is a limited resource
Posted by Adam Ainbinder in Ironman Training, Life, Time Constraint on January 22, 2010
I don’t know about you, but I often wish I had the life of a cat or a dog. I roam around the house, chillin, eatin, poopin, peein, sleepin. That’s about it. And it would be a dog, so I can play a little more than just eat, sleep and waste. Of course, this life is not for me given my athletic lifestyle, but there are days, like when I look at this picture of Kaila to the left, that I just wish I could sleep for a whole day guilt free.
I guess I can. On a Saturday or Sunday. Maybe. Or call in sick. But it’s just not in my D.N.A. I like to be busy. I am, based on personality tests, an achiever. An introverted achiever, but an achiever nonetheless. What motivates me is pushing myself to get better. This often contradicts with my goal of enjoying the journey, but I even strive to achieve mastering the process (kind of contradictory, I guess). I always strive to get better. I like hearing what I’m bad at and actually have a hard time taking compliments. I enjoy being told that I can’t do something because then it pushes me that much harder to do it. I wish I knew what made me like this, like what childhood event pushed me to want to prove people wrong. Was it my sister who said that when I get into junior high, my grades will go down, and when they didn’t, well, they’d go down in high school? Who knows! But I can tell you that was motivation to get better grades. Maybe I’m onto something…
So I digress…the point of this is that one thing I really fail at that I just wish I could do better is find the time to maintain this blog. It seems minor, but with how much I’ve learned from what others share/write, I feel like I could really give back in that way. I wish that I could blog at least 3-4x a week. I see the production of people like Danica with the Chic Runner blog, Brandon with his Brandon’s Marathon (blog, show, and everything), my all-time favorite blog in the world, Ray at DC Rainmaker (who finds time to blog more than me amidst a 15 day trip to Asia!), and lately Pete’s Runblogger and his scientific methods, and I totally wish I could find or make time to do something similar.
I read so much about training and have learned so much from my friendly twitter, facebook and daily mile community that I feel like I want to give back to everyone by discussing what I learn.I’ve also been told that my work ethic and dedication have inspired several people to get out of their place and run, or bike, or swim when they weren’t feeling up to it. If I can have that impact sharing some quick tid bits on daily mile, then what else can I provoke in people?
But between the typical 8-5 (and it’s now become a bit more than 8-5 as my responsibility increases), work travel, the 12 hours of training, my girlfriend, my family, my friends, the puppy, the cats, and well, my own free time for my sanity, there’s not much time to document these videos, to put in the pictures I take, or to sit down and write out my thoughts and feelings from the workout I just implemented from a training plan I’m writing from scratch. I guess I look at the trade-offs and say, do I sacrifice the 30 minutes of sleep? So far, that answer has been no.
And THAT’s the crazy thing. Because I’m training harder, I want to eat healthier, which means cooking more and picking up less crap for dinner. It means making lunches. It means trying to get a little bit more sleep when I can. It means trying to conserve energy so I can be present for conversation with my girlfriend and to be playful with my puppy when she needs to burn some energy! The lifestyle commitment I’ve chosen requires more time, and it’s just pulling time from other things.
Time is a valuable commodity. I like the fact that its a limited resource because it makes us choose what is important, and I think I’ve done that. I guess I wonder how others do it. How do they make time and provide a wealth of information for others to learn from? I am envious of those who do it, and do it well. Envy isn’t a good thing, so maybe that’s not the right word, but I do want to be like you (yeah, that’s envy )
How do you manage your time? How do you prioritize? Is it based on your values? Do you even think about this stuff? Please share – as usual, I’m willing to learn.
Year in Review
Posted by Adam Ainbinder in Goals, Life, Races on January 3, 2010
A year has past, and what a year has it been. I love these end of the year posts (last year’s post is here) because it gives me a time to reflect on things that went well in my life, things that didn’t go to well, things I want to change going into the new year, and that which is all good.
Entering last year, I wasn’t in the best place. I was in a struggling marriage, and this life struggle was disrupting the equilibrium with the other things in life. I was having trouble focusing on work, I had trouble focusing on my goals, and I had no idea what I wanted. I had trouble sleeping, and everything was cloudy. Was this what life was supposed to be like, I often questioned. I would often sit in front of my computer for hours, chatting, tweeting, stumbling (literally) endlessly with that awesome firefox plug in stumbleupon! I was distracting myself, constantly. If you want to see some of the dark places I reached and things I questioned, check out my posts on life (you can read here) for the first 3-4 months last year. Some of my most reflective/sad/interesting (heartbr8king, emotions – good or bad, alone, living with loss).
Once we decided to divorce, I started running. I ran a lot. It was my escape. I had run in my first marathon the previous year (2008), and I really enjoyed it despite the hellish pain of getting across 
the finish line. And yes, I never did a 5k, 10k, half marathon or any race for that matter…I jumped right into the marathon, and not just to finish, but to finish in under 4 hours (I finished SF, one of the harder marathons, in 3:52:42). It was a big accomplishment for me, and the feeling I got from overcoming those “impossible” barriers made me feel…made me feel, great!
So when I went through this struggle, I decided to run, and when I ran, I was at peace. I had a clear head. My buddy Matt suggested cycling, so I started riding too, but just for fun. When I was on that road though, I felt free. I could feel my body, my heart beat, my head sweat, my legs hurt. That feeling though was amazing, and for the first time in a while, I really felt alive.
So…I trained. I ran a lot. I started cycling a lot. I did a half marathon (OC)…I did a full marathon (SF). I picked up swimming and did my first triathlon…an Ol
ympic distance event in San Diego where I crushed my goal time by over 23 minutes (2:22 vs. a goal of 2:45). I started believing in myself. I started reading about running, about training, about pedaling, about cycling. I found a community on twitter that I learned so much from. I found something to be passionate about…again! It had been a while!
I also finished my MBA in June, and although I didn’t have the greatest experience in the classroom, I met some awesome friends along the way, and more importantly, I met a special someone the day before graduation. It was a random introduction from someone I just met, and that 5 minute intro turned into a facebook message, then a facebook conversation, then some text messages, then a few phone calls, text flirting for a week, a first date, a second date, and well…a great pick up to the second half of my year. It’s been an awesome six months now, and that is one of the things giving some positive momentum to this new year that I’m very excited about!
In June, I also got a new Abby kitten I named RED, which funny enough came from him being a pREDator, but also because he is a red abyssinian. I love animals (if you haven’t gathered), and if I 
had a bigger place, I’d probably have a full farm. J/K. Kind of. Red is awesome. I always believed in having two cats since I work full time, they can keep each other company during the day. I had Toby and Riley from the same litter nearly five years ago, and when I decided to give Riley to my ex-wife since he truly was always her cat, I wanted to find Toby a partner. Red was the perfect companion, being even more dog like than Toby. He follows me everywhere, fetches, growls at the door, and wants to go for walks (which I will avoid . Sadly enough, as I wrote about in this post, Riley passed on in October, which was also a down moment this year. This was hard for me to deal with even though Riley was now Jenn’s cat because of my attachment to animals. I keep telling myself he’s in a good place and it was his time, but I still get torn up when I think about him.
In December, I went on a sweet Hawaii vacation, my first week off since my honeymoon 3 years ago. Upon my return, the day of in fact, I got Kaila. Kaila is the first dog I’ve ever owned, and although she proved to be a handful at first, I’m really starting to love her. She is so damn cute, and although I’m still trying to find my groove with her between playing, training (training her, not triathlon training , and pure dominance training (yes I pin her and growl at her showing my teeth – must be the pack leader), I’m finally starting to see why dogs are so freakin awesome! Next August or so, she’ll be my new running partner. I can’t wait. I hope I can keep up with her!!!
So that is my year for you. I’ve been employed by the same company from start to finish, hired my first employee at this company, and made some big strides there developing the business analytics program. To be honest, 2010 will be the year that defines business analytics at my company. I’m excited to see what happens. But let’s get back to my hobby before departing. Below are two images that summarize my year:
This is a summary by sport of what I did in 2010. I started keeping track of the type of run, swim, and cycling ride in October, so that’s why you see somewhat of a sporadic summary. The totals are:
- Running: 1175 miles … this is funny, but in my post last year when I ran 666.4 miles, I said I don’t know if I’ll ever run this mileage again because I’m now swimming and cycling. And I nearly doubled that running mileage In 2010, I hope to get up to 1500 miles, which may be tough since I’ll do less run training than 2010
- Swimming: 22 hours … Difficult to get mileage here, but this isn’t very much. I’ll blow this away in 2010
- Cycling: 2017 miles … although this seems like a lot, it’s really not. I’m guessing I’ll at least double this amount this year.
This image is the the most interesting to me. This is a summary by month of all sports. The thing I find fascinating here is check out my total time and my heart rate. The number of hours has really gone up the last few months as I’ve taken training seriously. But what’s most fascinating is that my average heart rate has gone down over this period of time. There could be several factors at play here, but I think it represents two things 1) I’m getting in better shape and 2) I’m cycling more, which typically results in a lower heart rate. Either way, I’m really proud of the progression. The down month in October was the result of a taper for a peak marathon (MCM) as well as a slight taper for the triathlon I was in.
That’s my 2009. Here’s to a great 2010! Happy New Year everyone!
Sanity in Becoming Ironadam: Video Games
Posted by Adam Ainbinder in Ironman Training, Life, Video Games on December 20, 2009
Training, working, life, family, pets – they all take up MOST of a fully employed triathletes time. In addition to thinking of my family and pets as fun time, I also need an escape from reality for my personal “me” time. That escape is video games.
And I’m not talking Wii video games. I own a PS3, 360, and Wii. Fortunately, I have a Mac, so I don’t get caught up in the PC game hype, and I consider myself lucky. I know, I know. It sounds foolish or crazy to own all three systems, but it allows me to have a system for both TVs in case others want to use a particular TV somewhere. Plus, there are a lot of exclusives to both systems that make a dual system worthwhile.
And let’s be real: I spent $3k per bike on two bikes, $1k on tri equipment I most likely don’t really need. For $1k, I could have all three systems and a new game for each. And that’s why I love video games. For dollar for dollar entertainment, there isn’t a better value. Plus, video games have really stepped it up with the next gen consoles. My girlfriend can attest – it’s really like being part of a movie. The games have actors, acting voices, storylines, often perfectly unravel a story into actual gameplay, and even have alternate endings based on decisions you make in the games.
Yes, I’m hooked. My “me” time is spent playing video games, and I will probably do this with my son when I’m 50. I’m into all genres, and I often get games just to appreciate the graphics and story lines, even if I don’t finish them.
With that introduction, I want to roll off my most anticipated games for 2010. There are so many good ones coming out, and it will take a lot of will power to resist buying all of these at once. I already have 5-6 games sitting on my shelves that I haven’t played that I could get for 50% less than I paid, but I’ll get to them, I promise.The basis for this is a PS3 magazine, so I may be missing some 360 exclusives (Crackdown included below). Check out IGN for more details on any of these games.
Shooters
- Mag – Huge multiplayer with huge strategy of trying to defend or attack
- Lost Planet 2 – giant monster/dinosaur things. Yup, that’s all I need
- Singularity – changing items right in front of you +/- 60 years. Yup, control of time. Another thing that is all I need.
- Max Payne 3 – slow motion shooting. So fun! matrix style
- Bioshock 2 – first one was one of the best games I’ve ever played. Great story, cool graphics. Underwater cities with a bunch of psychopaths. I’m in!
Action
- Crackdown 2 – if you ever played the original, you’d know why. Favorite 360 game to date
- God of War III – sequel to the best game series. It looks amazing
- Enslaved – only because it was by the people who did Heavenly Sword, which was an incredible early PS3 game
- Bayonnetta – already pre-ordered. Devil May Cry makers take action to another level. Witch with guns in shoes wearing a tight outfit. Sold!
- Dante’s Inferno – God of War’esque with dead things in hell. Sold!
- Castlevania: Lords of Shadow – finally, a Castlevania game to look forward to. One of my favorites on the original NES (Nintendo Entertainment System). Shadow of Collossus’esque!
Adventure
- Heavy Rain – I love storylines, and this one is all about the storyline! Drama, detective work, serial killer – it’s gonna be INCREDIBLE! 4-5 years in the making
- Last Guardian – Next up in the ICO series (Shadow of Collosus). I’m a sucker for emotional video games! I hate when animals die, but I’m down
- Just Cause 2 – grapple gun and creative kills. Sold!
- Red Dead Redemption – open world in wild wild west from creators of Grand Theft Auto. I think I’m in here too.
- I Am Alive – giant earthquake destroys city and u are left to survive and water is the biggest commodity. SOLD!
RPG / Sports
Not a huge RPG fan, so it will have to be incredible to sell me. White Knight Chronicles may do the trick. For sports, since I bought the sports games this year, I’ll skip next year. Not enough improvement year to year to get me to purchase. Debating on FIFA 2010, and since I haven’t had Tiger Woods golf since last year, maybe next year’s. Split second does look like a game that is worth getting. A fun arcade style racing game like burnout.
Oh!!! And how could I forget ModNation Racers. Simple game like Little Big Planet, but you can design your own race tracks and share online. Seems like an advanced Mario Kart. I can’t wait for this one.
Maybes
- Army of Two: The 40th day – If the co-op is really that good, I’ll get it
- Aliens vs. Predators – I was hooked on predators when Arnold did the original. I’m always willing to try anything in the series since.
- Inversion – anti-gravity gun. That would be fun to use
- Battlefield: Bad Company 2 – will take a lot of good reviews to get me over the edge on this one. Too many other good games
- Darksiders – Cuz they say it’s gonna be bad ass. I’m doubtful
- Dark Void – they say the flying and killing is a fun combo. We’ll see
- Dead Rising 2 – only if it’s less dull than the original. But creatively killing zombies. Usually a sell for me!
Break from the usual: my cat moves on
Posted by Adam Ainbinder in Life on October 28, 2009
Last night I found out that the cat I gave to my ex-wife passed on. He was just under five years old. He died in one of the worst ways I can imagine. He fell from her 15 story apartment in San Francisco. When I got the news last night, I could not stop crying. Riley was the first cat that we got, and he was the cutest little guy.
I’m horrible with death. I have the worst death anxiety, and for those who are close to me, you know I’m really that cat guy who is extremely attached to animals. News of Riley’s death has shaken me, and I know in due time, I’ll move on and cherish the love for my guys more, but in this moment, I can’t help but think about my first pet as a grown up. I kept having horrible dreams last night, and I decided to get up and write a post for Riley.
Riley was the “little guy”. He was smaller than Toby, his brother from the same litter, but boy he was a cute rascal. He always wanted to be “free” from the confines of the house. Toby was happy just being around me. Riley, on the other hand, always wanted to escape. From walking the rail on the balcony to running out the front door and down the hall way as soon as it opened, he was a cat that didn’t want to be trapped. In some ways I think about his jump out the window as his escape. He was moving on and if you believe in reincarnation, maybe he wanted to be something else. I don’t know, but I just know that I miss him.
What hurts me most is I don’t know how Jenn handled it. Jenn has had a tough time moving up to San Francisco, where she really wanted to learn to be on her own and that’s the biggest reason for our divorce. For some of you who are new to my blog, I wrote some pretty detailed posts about the divorce early on, and publicly discussing it really helped me get through it. We’ve remained friends throughout the process, which I think is unusual in this circumstance. So when she broke the news to me last night, I knew it was hard for her because Riley meant everything to her. I know she felt bad for how it happened, and it’s not worth getting into the shoulds and the what-ifs. I hurt for her because i know this loss affects her the most.
The hardest part of his death is that Riley kept Jenn from truly being alone, and it really hurts me to think that he has moved on in life, leaving her to fend the world on her own. I don’t know what I’d do without Toby for the past few months, and if I saw Toby’s dead body lying on the ground after a fall like that, I don’t know how I’d get myself out of bed. It’s been hard enough for me to sleep just imaging Riley on the side of the road, and I don’t know what I’d do if faced with the situation. To be honest, it’s like my worst nightmare. It’s why I can’t watch the I am Legend scene where his dog dies in his hands. Jenn, if you do ever read this, please remember Riley for the pictures here and how awesome he was as a companion. Those images can hurt someone for life, and I want you to remember the good things about Riley so you’re not scarred from getting another pet in your life time. Riley was awesome. Honor him for the support he gave you and the friend he was. I know the feeling can be empty and you’re being a trooper through this. I’m sure your faith has helped!
I try to rationalize it, saying he served a purpose in my life and in hers. That he’s moved on to better places. But it still doesn’t relieve me of the sadness of Riley exiting life before I felt it was his time or the heart ache I feel for Jenn for losing her friend. I think about Shay, a friend who passed away last week from my MBA program, and I think how cruel life can be sometimes, striking some of us down before the natural course of life. I wonder why. Why take this genuine, loving father and husband from us when the higher power had every opportunity to heal him in numerous surgeries (brain cancer). It’s hard for me to engage on Shay’s death because of my overwhelming fear of dying. I’ve read emails from my friends and facebook posts, and I have such a hard time responding or commenting because I would be acknowledging that yes, death can be just around the corner for any of us. Cherish life.
I then I get word about Riley, and it’s like the joke’s on me. It’s like there’s god saying to me, I’m going to make you face this whether you like it or not. I’m going to make you think about the decision to give Riley to Jenn four months ago so that she could have her cat and the natural order could progress. I’m going to make you think about the image of death, how real it is, and how it could be around the corner. I’m going to make you appreciate life. But first, I’m going to show you how real death is…
And this weekend, I’m going to my girlfriend’s aunt’s funeral. Another person who has moved on – another sad day for so many people. Is it god’s way of testing my faith? Of saying, find belief because if you don’t, then what happens when the heart stops and the eyes shut.
I wanted to take a break from my training blogs and get back to why I truly started this blog – to ruminate about life and principally, understand purpose here on earth. There’s nothing that makes you reflect more than death. And I know some of you think Riley was just a cat, move on. But when you raise a pet, when it helps you through tough times, when it’s there for you when you come home everyday and when you need him the most, the loss can be painful. The emptiness can feel so real.
Riley – you were an awesome cat. You provided joy and support for me and Jenn in your life, and you will be forever remembered! Wherever you are, I hope you found peace!
love = commitment
Posted by Adam Ainbinder in Life on July 29, 2009
I’ve been fairly absent the last few weeks from blogging. The occasional training post, but that’s not what my blog is about. This blog is about purpose and meaning in life. I wrote a few months back about what would make me die happy. The first two things that would make me smile on my death bed focused on love – loving everything meaningful in my life and having a loving relationship with my partner through ups and downs.
But what is love? How could I expect to really know what that was coming from a failed marriage? The last few months, I’ve read up on love and spent a lot of time reflecting about it, talking to others about it, trying to feel it with friends/family, but also committing to it with others. Today, I feel slightly wiser, but experience is something I need in order to feel comfortable with love. The beauty of love is that you can experience this day in, day out with anyone.
I’ve read two great books on love recently: Love by Leo Buscaglia and The Art of Loving by Erich Fromm. Art of loving was a little too philosophical for me but had a lot of great points, particularly related to how we love in a capitalistic society. But if you’re going to read one, read Love. Fantastic book.
These books are old: one is >20 years old and the other >50. But the meaning behind them really hits home, and I realized that when it comes to love, despite the changing environment, there is a lot that never will change.
I learned a lot from these books that will be hard to summarize in a blog post. I did have a few great takeaways though:
1) Love is a commitment. Erich Fromm mentions (and this is how I read it) that love is not a feeling but a commitment. If love were a feeling, then how would marriages work? Can you truly have a feeling for 50-60 years? I think that most people believe love is a feeling, and therefore, when the feeling goes away, the relationship should end. Love is a commitment makes much more sense to me.
I believe that all love starts with a feeling, but it ends with commitment. Love is work, and those who believe otherwise, I believe, are idealistic. To expect to be attracted to someone physically, emotionally, and intellectually for years and years while spending most of your living free time together without constantly working at it is unrealistic. Love takes thought and innovation. Love should not be expected but worked at. If you want to love, then you must commit to making it work and not lose sight of this through ups and downs. And if you’re like me and this is one of the top 3 values in your life, then it better be your top priority.
2) Love has no capacity. We have the ability to love as many people as we want. Just because we love our wife and kids doesn’t mean we don’t have the capacity to love our friends, our extended family, strangers, etc… I think people get caught up in the love has capacity theory because love takes work (see (1) above), and therefore, we may not want to take the time to love everyone. But it’s good to separate here capacity to love and time capacity.
3) Loving everyone changes your mindset. This was an indirect message from Love. I started accepting people for who they were and stopped blurring my image of them with past events that may have given me “beliefs” about their intentions. Once I did this, I was amazed at how much happier I was.
Sidebar here: love is not just about caring for someone. It’s also respecting that person and sharing/receiving knowledge. Love is often way more than we think it is, and that really stood out. I always thought it was caring, but if you only care for someone, then how is it mutually beneficial for extended periods of time? Love must last, and to make it last, you must give to the relationship as well as receive.
4) Capitalism has distorted our priorities. Yup, surprising, but my favorite takeaway from Erich Fromm’s book. Basically, we spend all of our time focusing on work from 8 to whenever that when we get home, we want to do nothing. But we’re now not working hard at the time of our life that is most meaningful – time with friends and family. We take vacations to do nothing. We don’t work at our hobbies. We sit in front of computers and tvs.
5) Different types of love. The books disagreed on this point. Love said there are not types of love. Art of Loving said that there are several types: brotherly love, self love,god love, romantic love (different word, but its escaping me). I believe in different types of love, and I’ve struggled quite a lot with self-love. I do believe they are all inter-related though.
When you think about your best friend and the significant other that you love, is it different? Do you tell your best friend that you love them? If you do or have done it in the past, has it felt comfortable? Love (book) really taught me that it’s ok to love your friends and others even though society hasn’t really accepted “I love you” in everyday vocabulary to each other. If the feeling is there, share it.
What do you think about love? Is it something that you take for granted? Do you work on it? I’m curious because I’ve never thought of it as something as critically important…until now
money: how important is it to you?
Posted by Adam Ainbinder in Life on June 18, 2009
I’ve noticed that a lot of people I know have an obsession with money. I see it in two forms: buy material things or hoard. I understand we need money to survive. But what about this need to accumulate wealth?
I ask this because I have fallen (note past tense, thankfully) into this camp before. I have hoarded money. I avoid spending to “save for a rainy day”. But when is that rainy day? Is it death? Is it if I’m paralyzed? I mean seriously, at that point, who cares about comfort…I’m paralyzed.
I’m sure there are numerous psychological studies on this. Maybe people came from a poor background and feel a need for financial security. What is it about money that makes us comfortable? Is it just another “thing” that gives us security? Do some people find comfort in relationships or something other than money, maybe love (friendly or deeper)? Does everyone have a dependence on something for some reason, and for some people, it just happens to be money?
A friend of mine won’t turn the air conditioner on in his car because he feels like it costs money. He says it uses too much gas. So if people are hot, they have to roll down the windows. I do the math in my head. Spend $30 to fill up a tank. Let’s just say you did that every week, so your cost was about $1500 a year. What if you had to fill up ONE MORE TIME? You’d spend $1530. So the $30 ANNUALLY wasn’t worth the additional comfort of having a cool car when it’s hot as hell outside? I don’t get it. Then again, maybe my brain is just wired to do cost/benefit analysis for even the most trivial things.
Maybe we’re irrational because of what money represents (e.g. Power, Status, etc…). And it’s so strange too because it’s usually the people who have a lot of money that care so much about it. Of course people without money want to make more, but they’re doing it at the subsistence level to eat, stay warm, and have shelter. People with money who do things like keep the AC off in the car easily have enough to afford it. So what is it that makes someone want to save that $.60 per week? What causes this?
Deeper questions and I’m sure there’s no right answer. I also feel this represents a minority of the population, but a minority that I find often in the business world.
MBA, Friendship, Divorce…a day of reflection
Posted by Adam Ainbinder in Life on June 14, 2009
Today I graduated from the Paul Merage School of Business with my MBA. It was such an awesome day. My family was there to support me, and I had a great time with friends cheering, laughing, and just enjoying our last few hours together before the MBA ended. The experience was bittersweet, but one I’ll remember for a long time.
Three years ago, when I decided to start my MBA, I chose a fully employed, regional program because 1) I didn’t want to go into debt and 2) I was getting married and I didn’t want to be apart from my wife. For the first 1-2 years, I really doubted the value of the MBA and whether it was worth it. As I graduate today, I feel so lucky to have gone through this experience.
I made so many wonderful relationships that I know I will have for a very long time. I’ve found an awesome friend and training partner in Matt, a new female bff in Nour, an awesome friend and business partner in Sherry (and another sistard through this relationship), a gay partner in Mark (we both went to all boys high schools, so we get each other ), and countless other friends who I will no doubt keep in touch with (and I won’t name all of you at risk of leaving out a name, but you know who you are). To me, this masters in business taught me truly what’s important in life, which is friendship and connecting with others, for that is what life is about. As I’ve questioned countless times in this blog, when I die, that is what will make me die happy.
Jenn, my ex-wife, also attended. I must say that this moment was truly bittersweet. I married Jenn two weeks after the MBA started, and today I graduate only a few weeks from finalizing our divorce papers. It’s pretty hard to describe the emotions I felt spending this afternoon with her.
Jenn is my best friend. She probably knows me better than anyone. As you’ve read in my previous blog posts, our marriage was not meant to be. I’ve had advice from people about whether its good or bad to remain friends during this period of transition from married couple to friends, and I must say that the answer to that question is a tough one. Today is a great example of why.
Hanging out for lunch with my family and Sherry’s family felt like old times. That feeling too is one of happiness in the moment, but sadness when it ends. The end of that moment is the realization that things have changed, and what felt normal for so long is now different. I wish I could describe that with a better word, but its very difficult to explain that feeling. It’s one of pain, anxiety, sadness, but also one of happiness that Jenn and I could realize we’re much better friends than a couple.
There are several “ends” in a divorce. There’s deciding on leaving each other, moving out, creating a separation agreement, signing divorce papers, and moving on with other people. All of these events signify an “end” that is difficult to go through, but makes the next inevitable steps in life easier.
Today, when I dropped Jenn off and went back to our old place, I felt this was another “end”. We had both officially completed our educational pursuits in the past two weeks, and these pursuits began when we were dating. I don’t know if you can only imagine what that feels like, but it’s definitely an unsettling feeling. We’ve finished our education and are moving on to the next stages of our life without each other. The other “end” comes in a month when she moves to SF. These ends get easier, but they’re still hard to deal with in the moment.
Despite how tough these experiences can be, I’m thankful for what Jenn and I have. We get each other, and although we don’t have the relationship love that makes a marriage work, we have that friendship love where we can count on each other. Although it’s a tough transition and space is good, these days are worth every minute.
I’ve revealed a lot in these posts, and I hope being real for each of you reading this helps you in your life. When you go through something similar or have a friend or family member who also encounters these sorts of events, I hope that my blog provides some insight into what could be going through that person’s heart. It’s easy to describe the mind, but the heart tends to hide behind that tough exterior that exists in all of us. I’ve tried to move beyond this exterior and reveal what’s deep down.
So today I graduate an MBA. But I’m no master of business, that’s for sure. I am on this journey of life. After several years of searching for my path, I finally feel like I’m on it. To me, the mastery of life has begun. Thankfully, it can’t be mastered, and I will forever be a student!
Here’s to my day of reflection…
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