The last 6 days have been great for learning about myself and my addiction. Yes, I think I have an addiction. Despite being tired and having fairly extreme exhaustion in my legs, I wanted to get out and workout nearly everyday this week. I would say I was even compulsive about it, often feeling kind of down for not being able to get out there. And this is week 1 of rest. What will week 4 feel like?? (Side note: I rode my bike for the first time today. 16 miles in about 50 minutes. Is it weird that I worked out for 50 minutes and I felt like I didn’t even workout? I’m doing a 10 mile run tomorrow, and I think, this is an easy workout? What happened to me in the last year? I think this is good, but I’m starting to realize I’m not normal. I like being not normal…)

I try to think of why is it that I feel compelled to workout when my next even is nearly 8 months away. I come down to a few reasons:

1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Stress relief / Emotional Pain Relief
4. Competitiveness

When I look at those four reasons, I think, are those good reasons to do this? Let’s go through them.

Vanity – Hmmm. I guess it’s cool to have a good body. To be defined in my muscles. To have a six pack. But seriously, who gives a shit? When I have kids, working out is going to come behind work / family, and although I think I’ll maintain a healthy life style, I will certainly never be as fit as I am now. And will it matter? Does the joy of raising kids and having a family outweigh the feeling of being fit? But I keep coming back to the fact that I care about vanity. I wish I could admit that I do not, but there is something about the feeling of being fit, not necessarily the feeling of looking good in a mirror or to others. By the definition of being anorexic, I almost thing this is a form of anorexia. It’s not that I want to be super skinny, but it’s a general fear of gaining weight. Instead of eating very little, I eat what I want, and I work out more than most people feel is humanly possible (for at least a person who works full time). And people think it’s great what I do. Is it? Is a healthy addiction, healthy?

Health – Of course it helps to exerise to improve the heart. I enjoy life and I want to live longer. I want to be the 60 year old doing half ironmans. I want to enjoy life even at 100 years old. A lot of people say they don’t want those extra years. I do. I want to keep learning and enjoying life till the day I die. But I could also probably live as long working out 4 hours a week. At some point, is my active lifestyle going to impact my health. I have more recurring pain in my legs than ever. It hurts nearly EVERY time I go up and down stairs. I don’t think health qualifies, although it’s a good excuse.

Stress Relief / Emotional Pain Relief - When I was going through my divorce a year ago, I could say that I worked out to deal with pain. When things are tough at work, I like to run to clear my mind. I love biking to work because it feels stress free for those 30 minutes before and after work. In a car, there’s really not a lack of stress, especially in Southern California. However, as I train for these endurance events, it’s not about relief. No way is a 5 hour workout about stress relief. It’s about something else.

Competitiveness – Of all the reasons mentioned above, this is the one that seems the most likely. I’m ultra competitive. But I am at a stage in my life where I don’t like competing with others. Since this is a hobby and not a full time gig, I don’t think it’s right to compete with others. Everyone has their own circumstances, and it’s not right to say that we’re all fully dedicated to something and therefore training is comparable across people. But damn, I love beating my times. I am tired as hell when I get up, but when I put on those running shoes and head out the door, I love knowing that today I can try to run faster than last time, or longer, or even different. I love getting in the pool and trying to work on my stroke so that when I do my swim test every month or so, I can try and get better. I don’t think I’m completely normal in this category because I have this inner competitiveness that pushes me to do things I didn’t know were possible.

Sidebar: when I was a freshman in high school, I started playing golf. My parents told me to pick a sport (to keep me out of trouble I’m sure), and I chose golf since I lived on a golf course. Well, here, I was competitive with others since all high school players were comparable (for practice time, etc…, although some cared more about school than others). So I worked hard. I mean harder than probably anyone in high school. I golfed before school, after school, in my room (putting/reading) at night, all day on weekends. I got a net for my back yard so I could hit balls at night. I was driven to shoot lower scores. I love numbers (I’m an analyst). So when I can be competitive and see measured results, I’m in heaven. Well, when anyone told me I couldn’t do something, it just pushed me to prove them wrong. When everyone told me I wasn’t going to make varsity because I cussed out my JV coach (longer story here), I worked harder. I beat everyone my sophomore year except one guy. By senior year, I was top in my county, and one of the top 10 juniors in California.

Through golf, through my sister telling me I wouldn’t do well in school, through some of these adverse moments in life, I never got down. Something in me, that competitive spirit turned these negatives into positives, and I motivated around it. I do it today. The Ironman for example. This is competition against myself, since one year ago, I felt there was absolutely no way I could do one. Well flash forward a year, and I’m proving myself wrong. I have a long way to go, but I think this is my main reason for working out. If this energy was in something else, like drinking, video games, drawing, whatever, I’d find ways to excel in it. Fortunately, this addiction is healthy.

So I think healthy addictions are good. But only if you channel it constructively. By that I mean to not obsess and be ok when I have to rest, be smart about the limits so I know when I need to stop, and make sure that trade off decisions of giving up time with others are made by the loving  person inside, not the competitive animal that lives within.

And with that….I’ve struggled a lot internally with the benefits of this blog and of social media in general. I keep coming back to what is the point – if this is a journal, why does it need to be public? Are others learning from what I write? I know I read other blogs because I learn a lot from those people – about workouts, about new products, and about how to go about a daily life. But why should I feel I’m that important?

And what about social media? I didn’t realize how much time social media took up until I gave it up for the past month and realized how much more time I had, how I could finally focus on things that were important and not get distracted every 10 minutes with incoming facebook posts or twitter feeds. I should note that I am continuing to avoid it even after my month hiatus ended, which should be the clearest indicator of how I felt that month went.

But it’s more than just gaining time. Because of the lack of deep meaningful relationships built over social media, I found that I was becoming someone I didn’t like. For example, I was extremely active in dailymile before I left for my Greece trip nearly two weeks ago. Daily mile was the one site I was continuing to update/check despite my social media break.  I haven’t posted since that trip, and damn I feel good. I found that I was often working out just to see what others thought of my workouts. I even would venture to say that I’d workout for other people’s critique. I was even calling out other people’s embellishments because of that inner baby, i mean competitive spirit, within me. I lost sight of what training is about, of what I set out to do when I decided to do an Ironman last summer. Yes, community is great. But when I start doing things for others or what others think, I’ve fallen off the path I set.

In addition, I think social media is very self interested with the appearance of being social and for the betterment of the community. I convinced myself that I was doing social media for myself and trying to help others, but then I realized that I created a feeling of self importance. Do people really care? Or do people care about you because they want you to care about them? And let me clarify: I’m referring to the people too that you don’t know in real life. I really care about what my friends are doing, and to be honest, since I took my social media hiatus at the beginning of February, I’ve missed knowing what those people are doing on a day to day basis.

But going back to my point, I want to clarify this. I stopped interacting with a number of people online because I felt they were in this category, and they drove me nuts. To illustrate, let me give you a “real life” example rather than an online one. A friend of mine in high school would always want people to come to him. Everything was at his house. If things took place elsewhere, somehow it seemed to end back at his place. The parties came to him, he didn’t go to the parties. When I look back at these events, I’d say I ended up at his house for nine things for every one he came to mine. But it always appeared that he was just being social and fun and his place just happened to be more of a cooler place to hang. To me, this is narcissism. Why do I make the efforts to go to you when things aren’t reciprocated. That is not community.

What I found in social media is that many people possess this – they communicate and talk to others because they want those same people to follow them and come to their site and check out what they have to say. It’s very self interested, although it appears to be “community building”. I found myself creeping into that category. I could give you examples of these people, but I think you’d know them if you think about your interactions in this context. Do they really care about you? Do they really want to help you or do they simply want to tell you how great they are and thank you for supporting them? Or do they talk to you because they want you to read their blog? This type of person has left a sour taste in my mouth for social media, and I can be hard on myself because at times, I’ve slipped into this category.

So what’s been my answer – giving up on social media. I still check out blogs of the people I enjoy following. And I plan to continue to blog as soon as work dies down a bit (which may be never, but somehow I’ll figure out how to do both). Based on what I’ve said, one could argue that I’m continuing to go down this narcissistic path by blogging, but this is one area I disagree. I blog for those close to me who want to find out what I deeply care about. I blog so that I can have a journal of what I do, and maybe that journal of training and life can help others on their chosen path. But with a blog, people can choose to read. They can find me possibly in a search engine on a topic they care about. They don’t have to follow me or friend me. It’s  a one sided option.

I know many of you may disagree with this, and I’d love to hear about it. But for me, my interactions have become more meaningful since I gave up social media, and I’ve found the time to keep in touch with those I need to keep in touch with. Surprisingly, I’ve even discovered how to use the phone again! Crazy!

I also failed to mention I’ve been in the frankfurt airport since 10:30 AM. It’s now 6 PM. Berlin time. I think. This photo just came in

Ugghh! Shoot me! It’s like the day will never end. I’m on my way to Crete through Frankfurt and Athens. I think I’ve been in Frankfurt for 8 years, errr, hours. Was supposed to be arriving in Crete right about now, but instead I’m hoping to catch a 12:45 AM flight tomorrow. And that depends on getting to Athens tonight, before 12, and that seems unlikely.

This travel will be about 46 hours from the time I left my home to arriving at the hotel in Crete! That’s a long ass time and what I really hate about business travel. That’s about 14 hours more than I wanted, and with a lot less sleep than I planned in between. Although I deal with this, it sucks! I guess some people thrive on it though. Maybe one day I will. But that day is not today, and nothing sounds better than a warm shower and some soft box (or line of chairs) to sleep on! And a USA hockey win!

Way 1: Look to see when there is space and go

Way 2: Look to see where there is space, signal, and go

In Southern California, I’d say that almost 80% of the time when I’ve signaled, the car that was cruising at the same pace for at least a mile, SPEEDS UP! What the hell is wrong with that scene?

I don’t know if this is consistent with my theme lately of being a runner and biker and HATING cars because they seem to not understand that if they hit me in their car, that I will get HURT! For every 3-4 hour ride I do, there’s at least one close call and at least one other asshole driver that needs to get really close to me on my bike despite having a gigantic lane to drive in. Doesn’t he realize if he as much as touches my bike, there’s a good chance I will fly off and break something. And why do drivers get so mad when bikers share a lane for a quarter mile because of a tight lane or close shoulder? You’re losing maybe 15 seconds of your day for my safety. Is that too much to ask? Not to mention it’s my right to share the road.

Sorry, I rant. But why do cars naturally speed up? And I heard that Californias never signal – is this the root cause? Is it because when I do signal, there is a greater chance of that gap closing? Today, this gap was widening as I tried to get into the lane for the freeway off ramp. Instead of just doing my usual cut and go, I signaled, and the white BMW SUV speeds up and has to slam on his/her breaks. I don’t even look back thinking how ridiculous this is, but what’s behind that?

Is it our competitive spirits? Is it our concern for time? Does our cost/benefit analysis capability in our brain just breakdown at that moment and we forget we are maybe losing 2-3 seconds of our lives? All I know is that I let people in now when they’re signaling, unless of course I’m forced to slow down. Then I get upset for an entirely different reason

I guess I can. On a Saturday or Sunday. Maybe. Or call in sick. But it’s just not in my D.N.A. I like to be busy. I am, based on personality tests, an achiever. An introverted achiever, but an achiever nonetheless. What motivates me is pushing myself to get better. This often contradicts with my goal of enjoying the journey, but I even strive to achieve mastering the process (kind of contradictory, I guess). I always strive to get better. I like hearing what I’m bad at and actually have a hard time taking compliments. I enjoy being told that I can’t do something because then it pushes me that much harder to do it. I wish I knew what made me like this, like what childhood event pushed me to want to prove people wrong. Was it my sister who said that when I get into junior high, my grades will go down, and when they didn’t, well, they’d go down in high school? Who knows! But I can tell you that was motivation to get better grades. Maybe I’m onto something…

So I digress…the point of this is that one thing I really fail at that I just wish I could do better is find the time to maintain this blog. It seems minor, but with how much I’ve learned from what others share/write, I feel like I could really give back in that way. I wish that I could blog at least 3-4x a week. I see the production of people like Danica with the Chic Runner blog, Brandon with his Brandon’s Marathon (blog, show, and everything), my all-time favorite blog in the world, Ray at DC Rainmaker (who finds time to blog more than me amidst a 15 day trip to Asia!), and lately Pete’s Runblogger and his scientific methods, and I totally wish I could find or make time to do something similar.

I read so much about training and have learned so much from my friendly twitter, facebook and daily mile community that I feel like I want to give back to everyone by discussing what I learn.I’ve also been told that my work ethic and dedication have inspired several people to get out of their place and run, or bike, or swim when they weren’t feeling up to it. If I can have that impact sharing some quick tid bits on daily mile, then what else can I provoke in people?

But between the typical 8-5 (and it’s now become a bit more than 8-5 as my responsibility increases), work travel, the 12 hours of training, my girlfriend, my family, my friends, the puppy, the cats, and well, my own free time for my sanity, there’s not much time to document these videos, to put in the pictures I take, or to sit down and write out my thoughts and feelings from the workout I just implemented from a training plan I’m writing from scratch. I guess I look at the trade-offs and say, do I sacrifice the 30 minutes of sleep?  So far, that answer has been no.

And THAT’s the crazy thing. Because I’m training harder, I want to eat healthier, which means cooking more and picking up less crap for dinner. It means making lunches. It means trying to get a little bit more sleep when I can. It means trying to conserve energy so I can be present for conversation with my girlfriend and to be playful with my puppy when she needs to burn some energy! The lifestyle commitment I’ve chosen requires more time, and it’s just pulling time from other things.

Time is a valuable commodity. I like the fact that its a limited resource because it makes us choose what is important, and I think I’ve done that. I guess I wonder how others do it. How do they make time and provide a wealth of information for others to learn from? I am envious of those who do it, and do it well. Envy isn’t a good thing, so maybe that’s not the right word, but I do want to be like you (yeah, that’s envy )

How do you manage your time? How do you prioritize? Is it based on your values? Do you even think about this stuff? Please share – as usual, I’m willing to learn.

Entering last year, I wasn’t in the best place. I was in a struggling marriage, and this life struggle was disrupting the equilibrium with the other things in life. I was having trouble focusing on work, I had trouble focusing on my goals, and I had no idea what I wanted. I had trouble sleeping, and everything was cloudy. Was this what life was supposed to be like, I often questioned. I would often sit in front of my computer for hours, chatting, tweeting, stumbling (literally) endlessly with that awesome firefox plug in stumbleupon! I was distracting myself, constantly. If you want to see some of the dark places I reached and things I questioned, check out my posts on life (you can read here) for the first 3-4 months last year. Some of my most reflective/sad/interesting (heartbr8king, emotions – good or bad, alone, living with loss).

Once we decided to divorce, I started running. I ran a lot. It was my escape. I had run in my first marathon the previous year (2008), and I really enjoyed it despite the hellish pain of getting across the finish line. And yes, I never did a 5k, 10k, half marathon or any race for that matter…I jumped right into the marathon, and not just to finish, but to finish in under 4 hours (I finished SF, one of the harder marathons, in 3:52:42). It was a big accomplishment for me, and the feeling I got from overcoming those “impossible” barriers made me feel…made me feel, great!

So when I went through this struggle, I decided to run, and when I ran, I was at peace. I had a clear head. My buddy Matt suggested cycling, so I started riding too, but just for fun. When I was on that road though, I felt free. I could feel my body, my heart beat, my head sweat, my legs hurt. That feeling though was amazing, and for the first time in a while, I really felt alive.

So…I trained. I ran a lot. I started cycling a lot. I did a half marathon (OC)…I did a full marathon (SF). I picked up swimming and did my first triathlon…an Olympic distance event in San Diego where I crushed my goal time by over 23 minutes (2:22 vs. a goal of 2:45). I started believing in myself. I started reading about running, about training, about pedaling, about cycling. I found a community on twitter that I learned so much from. I found something to be passionate about…again! It had been a while!

I also finished my MBA in June, and although I didn’t have the greatest experience in the classroom, I met some awesome friends along the way, and more importantly, I met a special someone the day before graduation. It was a random introduction from someone I just met, and that 5 minute intro turned into a facebook message, then a facebook conversation, then some text messages, then a few phone calls, text flirting for a week, a first date, a second date, and well…a great pick up to the second half of my year. It’s been an awesome six months now, and that is one of the things giving some positive momentum to this new year that I’m very excited about!

In June, I also got a new Abby kitten I named RED, which funny enough came from him being a pREDator, but also because he is a red abyssinian. I love animals (if you haven’t gathered), and if I had a bigger place, I’d probably have a full farm. J/K. Kind of. Red is awesome. I always believed in having two cats since I work full time, they can keep each other company during the day. I had Toby and Riley from the same litter nearly five years ago, and when I decided to give Riley to my ex-wife since he truly was always her cat, I wanted to find Toby a partner. Red was the perfect companion, being even more dog like than Toby. He follows me everywhere, fetches, growls at the door, and wants to go for walks (which I will avoid . Sadly enough, as I wrote about in this post, Riley passed on in October, which was also a down moment this year. This was hard for me to deal with even though Riley was now Jenn’s cat because of my attachment to animals. I keep telling myself he’s in a good place and it was his time, but I still get torn up when I think about him.

In December, I went on a sweet Hawaii vacation, my first week off since my honeymoon 3 years ago. Upon my return, the day of in fact, I got Kaila. Kaila is the first dog I’ve ever owned, and although she proved to be a handful at first, I’m really starting to love her. She is so damn cute, and although I’m still trying to find my groove with her between playing, training (training her, not triathlon training , and pure dominance training (yes I pin her and growl at her showing my teeth – must be the pack leader), I’m finally starting to see why dogs are so freakin awesome!  Next August or so, she’ll be my new running partner. I can’t wait. I hope I can keep up with her!!!

So that is my year for you. I’ve been employed by the same company from start to finish, hired my first employee at this company, and made some big strides there developing the business analytics program. To be honest, 2010 will be the year that defines business analytics at my company. I’m excited to see what happens. But let’s get back to my hobby before departing. Below are two images that summarize my year:

This is a summary by sport of what I did in 2010. I started keeping track of the type of run, swim, and cycling ride in October, so that’s why you see somewhat of a sporadic summary. The totals are:

• Running: 1175 miles … this is funny, but in my post last year when I ran 666.4 miles, I said I don’t know if I’ll ever run this mileage again because I’m now swimming and cycling. And I nearly doubled that running mileage In 2010, I hope to get up to 1500 miles, which may be tough since I’ll do less run training than 2010
• Swimming: 22 hours … Difficult to get mileage here, but this isn’t very much. I’ll blow this away in 2010
• Cycling: 2017 miles … although this seems like a lot, it’s really not. I’m guessing I’ll at least double this amount this year.

This image is the the most interesting to me. This is a summary by month of all sports. The thing I find fascinating here is check out my total time and my heart rate. The number of hours has really gone up the last few months as I’ve taken training seriously. But what’s most fascinating is that my average heart rate has gone down over this period of time. There could be several factors at play here, but I think it represents two things 1) I’m getting in better shape and 2) I’m cycling more, which typically results in a lower heart rate. Either way, I’m really proud of the progression. The down month in October was the result of a taper for a peak marathon (MCM) as well as a slight taper for the triathlon I was in.

That’s my 2009. Here’s to a great 2010! Happy New Year everyone!

And I’m not talking Wii video games. I own a PS3, 360, and Wii. Fortunately, I have a Mac, so I don’t get caught up in the PC game hype, and I consider myself lucky. I know, I know. It sounds foolish or crazy to own all three systems, but it allows me to have a system for both TVs in case others want to use a particular TV somewhere. Plus, there are a lot of exclusives to both systems that make a dual system worthwhile.

And let’s be real: I spent $3k per bike on two bikes, $1k on tri equipment I most likely don’t really need. For $1k, I could have all three systems and a new game for each. And that’s why I love video games. For dollar for dollar entertainment, there isn’t a better value. Plus, video games have really stepped it up with the next gen consoles. My girlfriend can attest – it’s really like being part of a movie. The games have actors, acting voices, storylines, often perfectly unravel a story into actual gameplay, and even have alternate endings based on decisions you make in the games.

Yes, I’m hooked. My “me” time is spent playing video games, and I will probably do this with my son when I’m 50. I’m into all genres, and I often get games just to appreciate the graphics and story lines, even if I don’t finish them.

With that introduction, I want to roll off my most anticipated games for 2010. There are so many good ones coming out, and it will take a lot of will power to resist buying all of these at once. I already have 5-6 games sitting on my shelves that I haven’t played that I could get for 50% less than I paid, but I’ll get to them, I promise.The basis for this is a PS3 magazine, so I may be missing some 360 exclusives (Crackdown included below). Check out IGN for more details on any of these games.

Shooters

1. Mag – Huge multiplayer with huge strategy of trying to defend or attack
2. Lost Planet 2 – giant monster/dinosaur things. Yup, that’s all I need
3. Singularity – changing items right in front of you +/- 60 years. Yup, control of time. Another thing that is all I need.
4. Max Payne 3 – slow motion shooting. So fun! matrix style
5. Bioshock 2 – first one was one of the best games I’ve ever played. Great story, cool graphics. Underwater cities with a bunch of psychopaths. I’m in!

Action

1. Crackdown 2 – if you ever played the original, you’d know why. Favorite 360 game to date
2. God of War III – sequel to the best game series. It looks amazing
3. Enslaved – only because it was by the people who did Heavenly Sword, which was an incredible early PS3 game
4. Bayonnetta – already pre-ordered. Devil May Cry makers take action to another level. Witch with guns in shoes wearing a tight outfit. Sold!
5. Dante’s Inferno – God of War’esque with dead things in hell. Sold!
6. Castlevania: Lords of Shadow – finally, a Castlevania game to look forward to. One of my favorites on the original NES (Nintendo Entertainment System). Shadow of Collossus’esque!

Adventure

1. Heavy Rain – I love storylines, and this one is all about the storyline! Drama, detective work, serial killer – it’s gonna be INCREDIBLE! 4-5 years in the making
2. Last Guardian – Next up in the ICO series (Shadow of Collosus). I’m a sucker for emotional video games! I hate when animals die, but I’m down
3. Just Cause 2 – grapple gun and creative kills. Sold!
4. Red Dead Redemption – open world in wild wild west from creators of Grand Theft Auto. I think I’m in here too.
5. I Am Alive – giant earthquake destroys city and u are left to survive and water is the biggest commodity. SOLD!

RPG / Sports

Not a huge RPG fan, so it will have to be incredible to sell me. White Knight Chronicles may do the trick. For sports, since I bought the sports games this year, I’ll skip next year. Not enough improvement year to year to get me to purchase. Debating on FIFA 2010, and since I haven’t had Tiger Woods golf since last year, maybe next year’s. Split second does look like a game that is worth getting. A fun arcade style racing game like burnout.

Oh!!! And how could I forget ModNation Racers. Simple game like Little Big Planet, but you can design your own race tracks and share online. Seems like an advanced Mario Kart. I can’t wait for this one.

Maybes

1. Army of Two: The 40th day – If the co-op is really that good, I’ll get it
2. Aliens vs. Predators – I was hooked on predators when Arnold did the original. I’m always willing to try anything in the series since.
3. Inversion – anti-gravity gun. That would be fun to use
4. Battlefield: Bad Company 2 – will take a lot of good reviews to get me over the edge on this one. Too many other good games
5. Darksiders – Cuz they say it’s gonna be bad ass. I’m doubtful
6. Dark Void – they say the flying and killing is a fun combo. We’ll see
7. Dead Rising 2 – only if it’s less dull than the original. But creatively killing zombies. Usually a sell for me!

Last night I found out that the cat I gave to my ex-wife passed on. He was just under five years old. He died in one of the worst ways I can imagine. He fell from her 15 story apartment in San Francisco. When I got the news last night, I could not stop crying. Riley was the first cat that we got, and he was the cutest little guy.

I’m horrible with death. I have the worst death anxiety, and for those who are close to me, you know I’m really that cat guy who is extremely attached to animals. News of Riley’s death has shaken me, and I know in due time, I’ll move on and cherish the love for my guys more, but in this moment, I can’t help but think about my first pet as a grown up. I kept having horrible dreams last night, and I decided to get up and write a post for Riley.

Riley was the “little guy”. He was smaller than Toby, his brother from the same litter, but boy he was a cute rascal. He always wanted to be “free” from the confines of the house. Toby was happy just being around me. Riley, on the other hand, always wanted to escape. From walking the rail on the balcony to running out the front door and down the hall way as soon as it opened, he was a cat that didn’t want to be trapped. In some ways I think about his jump out the window as his escape. He was moving on and if you believe in reincarnation, maybe he wanted to be something else. I don’t know, but I just know that I miss him.

What hurts me most is I don’t know how Jenn handled it. Jenn has had a tough time moving up to San Francisco, where she really wanted to learn to be on her own and that’s the biggest reason for our divorce. For some of you who are new to my blog, I wrote some pretty detailed posts about the divorce early on, and publicly discussing it really helped me get through it. We’ve remained friends throughout the process, which I think is unusual in this circumstance. So when she broke the news to me last night, I knew it was hard for her because Riley meant everything to her. I know she felt bad for how it happened, and it’s not worth getting into the shoulds and the what-ifs. I hurt for her because i know this loss affects her the most.

The hardest part of his death is that Riley kept Jenn from truly being alone, and it really hurts me to think that he has moved on in life, leaving her to fend the world on her own. I don’t know what I’d do without Toby for the past few months, and if I saw Toby’s dead body lying on the ground after a fall like that, I don’t know how I’d get myself out of bed. It’s been hard enough for me to sleep just imaging Riley on the side of the road, and I don’t know what I’d do if faced with the situation. To be honest, it’s like my worst nightmare. It’s why I can’t watch the I am Legend scene where his dog dies in his hands. Jenn, if you do ever read this, please remember Riley for the pictures here and how awesome he was as a companion. Those images can hurt someone for life, and I want you to remember the good things about Riley so you’re not scarred from getting another pet in your life time. Riley was awesome. Honor him for the support he gave you and the friend he was. I know the feeling can be empty and you’re being a trooper through this. I’m sure your faith has helped!

I try to rationalize it, saying he served a purpose in my life and in hers. That he’s moved on to better places. But it still doesn’t relieve me of the sadness of Riley exiting life before I felt it was his time or the heart ache I feel for Jenn for losing her friend. I think about Shay, a friend who passed away last week from my MBA program, and I think how cruel life can be sometimes, striking some of us down before the natural course of life. I wonder why. Why take this genuine, loving father and husband from us when the higher power had every opportunity to heal him in numerous surgeries (brain cancer). It’s hard for me to engage on Shay’s death because of my overwhelming fear of dying. I’ve read emails from my friends and facebook posts, and I have such a hard time responding or commenting because I would be acknowledging that yes, death can be just around the corner for any of us. Cherish life.

I then I get word about Riley, and it’s like the joke’s on me. It’s like there’s god saying to me, I’m going to make you face this whether you like it or not. I’m going to make you think about the decision to give Riley to Jenn four months ago so that she could have her cat and the natural order could progress. I’m going to make you think about the image of death, how real it is, and how it could be around the corner. I’m going to make you appreciate life. But first, I’m going to show you how real death is…

And this weekend, I’m going to my girlfriend’s aunt’s funeral. Another person who has moved on – another sad day for so many people. Is it god’s way of testing my faith? Of saying, find belief because if you don’t, then what happens when the heart stops and the eyes shut.

I wanted to take a break from my training blogs and get back to why I truly started this blog – to ruminate about life and principally, understand purpose here on earth. There’s nothing that makes you reflect more than death. And I know some of you think Riley was just a cat, move on. But when you raise a pet, when it helps you through tough times, when it’s there for you when you come home everyday and when you need him the most, the loss can be painful. The emptiness can feel so real.

Riley – you were an awesome cat. You provided joy and support for me and Jenn in your life, and you will be forever remembered! Wherever you are, I hope you found peace!

But what is love? How could I expect to really know what that was coming from a failed marriage? The last few months, I’ve read up on love and spent a lot of time reflecting about it, talking to others about it, trying to feel it with friends/family, but also committing to it with others. Today, I feel slightly wiser, but experience is something I need in order to feel comfortable with love. The beauty of love is that you can experience this day in, day out with anyone.

I’ve read two great books on love recently: Love by Leo Buscaglia and The Art of Loving by Erich Fromm. Art of loving was a little too philosophical for me but had a lot of great points, particularly related to how we love in a capitalistic society. But if you’re going to read one, read Love. Fantastic book.

These books are old: one is >20 years old and the other >50. But the meaning behind them really hits home, and I realized that when it comes to love, despite the changing environment, there is a lot that never will change.

I learned a lot from these books that will be hard to summarize in a blog post. I did have a few great takeaways though:

1) Love is a commitment. Erich Fromm mentions (and this is how I read it) that love is not a feeling but a commitment. If love were a feeling, then how would marriages work? Can you truly have a feeling for 50-60 years? I think that most people believe love is a feeling, and therefore, when the feeling goes away, the relationship should end. Love is a commitment makes much more sense to me.

I believe that all love starts with a feeling, but it ends with commitment. Love is work, and those who believe otherwise, I believe, are idealistic. To expect to be attracted to someone physically, emotionally, and intellectually for years and years while spending most of your living free time together without constantly working at it is unrealistic. Love takes thought and innovation. Love should not be expected but worked at. If you want to love, then you must commit to making it work and not lose sight of this through ups and downs. And if you’re like me and this is one of the top 3 values in your life, then it better be your top priority.

2) Love has no capacity. We have the ability to love as many people as we want. Just because we love our wife and kids doesn’t mean we don’t have the capacity to love our friends, our extended family, strangers, etc… I think people get caught up in the love has capacity theory because love takes work (see (1) above), and therefore, we may not want to take the time to love everyone. But it’s good to separate here capacity to love and time capacity.

3) Loving everyone changes your mindset. This was an indirect message from Love. I started accepting people for who they were and stopped blurring my image of them with past events that may have given me “beliefs” about their intentions. Once I did this, I was amazed at how much happier I was.

Sidebar here: love is not just about caring for someone. It’s also respecting that person and sharing/receiving knowledge. Love is often way more than we think it is, and that really stood out. I always thought it was caring, but if you only care for someone, then how is it mutually beneficial for extended periods of time? Love must last, and to make it last, you must give to the relationship as well as receive.

4) Capitalism has distorted our priorities. Yup, surprising, but my favorite takeaway from Erich Fromm’s book. Basically, we spend all of our time focusing on work from 8 to whenever that when we get home, we want to do nothing. But we’re now not working hard at the time of our life that is most meaningful – time with friends and family. We take vacations to do nothing. We don’t work at our hobbies. We sit in front of computers and tvs.

5) Different types of love. The books disagreed on this point. Love said there are not types of love. Art of Loving said that there are several types: brotherly love, self love,god love, romantic love (different word, but its escaping me). I believe in different types of love, and I’ve struggled quite a lot with self-love. I do believe they are all inter-related though.

When you think about your best friend and the significant other that you love, is it different? Do you tell your best friend that you love them? If you do or have done it in the past, has it felt comfortable? Love (book) really taught me that it’s ok to love your friends and others even though society hasn’t really accepted “I love you” in everyday vocabulary to each other. If the feeling is there, share it.

What do you think about love? Is it something that you take for granted? Do you work on it? I’m curious because I’ve never thought of it as something as critically important…until now

I ask this because I have fallen (note past tense, thankfully) into this camp before. I have hoarded money. I avoid spending to “save for a rainy day”. But when is that rainy day? Is it death? Is it if I’m paralyzed? I mean seriously, at that point, who cares about comfort…I’m paralyzed.

I’m sure there are numerous psychological studies on this. Maybe people came from a poor background and feel a need for financial security. What is it about money that makes us comfortable? Is it just another “thing” that gives us security? Do some people find comfort in relationships or something other than money, maybe love (friendly or deeper)? Does everyone have a dependence on something for some reason, and for some people, it just happens to be money?

A friend of mine won’t turn the air conditioner on in his car because he feels like it costs money. He says it uses too much gas. So if people are hot, they have to roll down the windows. I do the math in my head. Spend $30 to fill up a tank. Let’s just say you did that every week, so your cost was about $1500 a year. What if you had to fill up ONE MORE TIME? You’d spend $1530. So the $30 ANNUALLY wasn’t worth the additional comfort of having a cool car when it’s hot as hell outside? I don’t get it. Then again, maybe my brain is just wired to do cost/benefit analysis for even the most trivial things.

Maybe we’re irrational because of what money represents (e.g. Power, Status, etc…). And it’s so strange too because it’s usually the people who have a lot of money that care so much about it. Of course people without money want to make more, but they’re doing it at the subsistence level to eat, stay warm, and have shelter. People with money who do things like keep the AC off in the car easily have enough to afford it. So what is it that makes someone want to save that $.60 per week? What causes this?

Deeper questions and I’m sure there’s no right answer. I also feel this represents a minority of the population, but a minority that I find often in the business world.

Three years ago, when I decided to start my MBA, I chose a fully employed, regional program because 1) I didn’t want to go into debt and  2) I was getting married and I didn’t want to be apart from my wife.  For the first 1-2 years, I really doubted the value of the MBA and whether it was worth it. As I graduate today, I feel so lucky to have gone through this experience.

I made so many wonderful relationships that I know I will have for a very long time. I’ve found an awesome friend and training partner in Matt, a new female bff in Nour, an awesome friend and business partner in Sherry (and another sistard through this relationship), a gay partner in Mark (we both went to all boys high schools, so we get each other ), and countless other friends who I will no doubt keep in touch with (and I won’t name all of you at risk of leaving out a name, but you know who you are). To me, this masters in business taught me truly what’s important in life, which is friendship and connecting with others, for that is what life is about. As I’ve questioned countless times in this blog, when I die, that is what will make me die happy.

Jenn, my ex-wife, also attended. I must say that this moment was truly bittersweet. I married Jenn two weeks after the MBA started, and today I graduate only a few weeks from finalizing our divorce papers. It’s pretty hard to describe the emotions I felt spending this afternoon with her.

Jenn is my best friend. She probably knows me better than anyone. As you’ve read in my previous blog posts, our marriage was not meant to be. I’ve had advice from people about whether its good or bad to remain friends during this period of transition from married couple to friends, and I must say that the answer to that question is a tough one. Today is a great example of why.

Hanging out for lunch with my family and Sherry‘s family felt like old times. That feeling too is one of happiness in the moment, but sadness when it ends. The end of that moment is the realization that things have changed, and what felt normal for so long is now different. I wish I could describe that with a better word, but its very difficult to explain that feeling. It’s one of pain, anxiety, sadness, but also one of happiness that Jenn and I could realize we’re much better friends than a couple.

There are several “ends” in a divorce. There’s deciding on leaving each other, moving out, creating a separation agreement, signing divorce papers, and moving on with other people. All of these events signify an “end” that is difficult to go through, but makes the next inevitable steps in life easier.

Today, when I dropped Jenn off and went back to our old place, I felt this was another “end”. We had both officially completed our educational pursuits in the past two weeks, and these pursuits began when we were dating. I don’t know if you can only imagine what that feels like, but it’s definitely an unsettling feeling. We’ve finished our education and are moving on to the next stages of our life without each other. The other “end” comes in a month when she moves to SF. These ends get easier, but they’re still hard to deal with in the moment.

Despite how tough these experiences can be, I’m thankful for what Jenn and I have. We get each other, and although we don’t have the relationship love that makes a marriage work, we have that friendship love where we can count on each other. Although it’s a tough transition and space is good, these days are worth every minute.

I’ve revealed a lot in these posts, and I hope being real for each of you reading this helps you in your life. When you go through something similar or have a friend or family member who also encounters these sorts of events, I hope that my blog provides some insight into what could be going through that person’s heart. It’s easy to describe the mind, but the heart tends to hide behind that tough exterior that exists in all of us. I’ve tried to move beyond this exterior and reveal what’s deep down.

So today I graduate an MBA. But I’m no master of business, that’s for sure. I am on this journey of life. After several years of searching for my path, I finally feel like I’m on it. To me, the mastery of life has begun. Thankfully, it can’t be mastered, and I will forever be a student!

Here’s to my day of reflection…

But what I want to write about tonight is the uncertain path and what it means. To me, the uncertain path is the future. It can be hours from now, or years. It doesn’t matter.

Uncertainty can take many forms. In the short term, you may not know what your boss is going to give you to do at work, if there will be traffic, what you’re going to eat tonight. Long term, you may not know if you’re going to have kids, die at 40, get an educational degree. Uncertainty surrounds us, constantly. I have often feared this. And this week, I’ve come to understand this a bit more.

For me, uncertainty is scary for a few reasons:

1. Lack of faith – if I had faith, changing circumstances would most likely occur for a reason. Without faith, is there purpose or reason to things
2. Lack of control – if I can’t control something, then how do I get comfortable with it

The more I’ve thought about this, the more I’ve realized that i struggle with uncertainty because of my lack of faith. I don’t mean religion either, I mean trust in a future outcome because there is something greater than ourselves at work in the world (as I wrote about here).When I think about control, I’ve learned based on my recent divorce that I’m not in control. Some things yes, but when it comes to life, I can only do so much. So I keep coming back to faith…

So how do you believe and trust in something good so that anxiety about uncertainty goes away? I know it may not completely go away, but I mean minimize it as much as possible. I’ve read several books that have really caught my attention about faith (new earth, manifest your destiny), but i still struggle in practice.

Faith may come naturally to people who have grown up with it. But what do I do when I know I want it, but know it will not be through religion? That is my struggle this year. My goal is to let go, believe that some things may be meant to be, and just do my best in those things that are within my control.

Is this confusing or do others also experience this? Comments are much appreciated

This weekend is all about purpose, life, and why we went to school to get these MBAs. Now that we’re done with the degree, what will we do with it? It’s funny that we’re reflecting on this now AFTER we got the degree. Of course, this economy doesn’t help.

So I ruminate. What is my purpose? I can repeat my challenge in life that I may have mentioned six times today, twice to the entire class: what is ENOUGH? If you’re at a comfortable salary level, then what is the point of promotion? What is the point of more money? What is the point of working more hours? When you’re sitting on your death bed, many years from now (did that trigger braveheart anyone), then will you look back at getting promotions, running a company, or making more money as the things that defined who you are? I think several years ago, I would of answered yes. Today this is a resounding no.

I know that in my life, I will die happy if 1) I loved with my entire heart everything and everyone that was meaningful in my life 2) I grew old with a woman that I would do anything for and we continued to love each other through ups and downs  and 3) I positively impacted others to be better people in their lives (can be kids, friends, students, etc…)

I asked Matt and Rishi what they thought about happiness on their death bed (yes, a very deep conversation one night in our cabin), and they felt this came down to leaving a legacy. Legacy could be different for everyone, but it meant leaving something behind, from your name, to teaching kids to be better, to having kids that you did your best job parenting.

Knowing this, I believe that purpose relates to doing what will make me happy in life. And based on what I mentioned above, I know the things that will get me there. So if I start living for this, how does this impact my work? What happens if priorities shift and those things become the most important things in my life?

I guess we’ll find out…

I really identify with loss now. I hate to say this is a good thing, but it’s one thing I’m proud I’ve learned over the last few months. My grandpa passed away 3-4 years ago, and I didn’t shed a tear. I felt inside, but that connection between that feeling and me was miles apart. Now, my friend’s cat passes away, and I’m deeply saddened by the loss and can’t think about it without a tear running down my face.

Of course I don’t mean to bring up that comparison as a relevant comparison….merely an illustration of the person I am today. I’ve gone through loss in the past few months and I’ve had to process and figure out what life is like when you live with loss. There have been ups, been downs, but that feeling of pain stemming from loss is very real to me now even though it’s not a regular feeling like it once was, I hate to see others go through it because I’m well aware of what it feels like!

I think about Courtney and Brandon and what this loss meant to them. I have so much empathy for what they’re going through, and I feel so bad for them. I wish there’s something that could bring Kylee back, but that’s the thing about loss…it’s gone. And you have to deal with the loss.

I think today about my two cats, riley and toby. I think about them growing up. I think about the day Toby got sick, and I was up all night taking him to emergency hoping that it was just a temporary problem. I think about how each day when I come home, they run to the door and follow me throughout the house. I think about the several nights I couldn’t sleep and sat in my bed, staring at the sealing with tears running down my face, and Toby crawling up to me and not leaving me alone providing love in an otherwise dark moment. I think about how these two boys, although cats, have become a huge part of my life. What would I do if one suddenly fell ill and past?

When you go through crisis in your life, pets are amazing companions. They love you no matter what you do or who you are. They don’t judge. It’s unconditional love (unless of course you don’t feed them, then it could be conditional hate). Tonight, I hug toby and riley a little tighter. With the wicked world we live in, we don’t know what tomorrow brings.

Brandon/Courtney, I’m deeply sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine what it would be like. I’m happy you have each other and you have Bodhi. Your hearts are so big and your love so strong that I know this can’t be a good time. Some people may say its just a pet, but I know how much more a pet can be. You’re in my prayers!

I digress. Lately, I’ve realized that faith is very different from religion. I looked up faith on dictionary.com today and this is the definition:

1. confidence or trust in a person or thing: faith in another’s ability.

2. belief that is not based on proof

This definition is not associated with religion, and I realized lately that I need this in my life. My mind is logical. I have trouble understanding things that don’t follow logic. But I believe this way of thinking is flawed. Assuming things have to be logical, doesn’t that mean you have to know everything to decide whether something makes sense?

Of course I exaggerate when I say that. But think about this: assume there is an interconnectedness in the universe and things do happen for a reason. To me, this is illogical. But is it illogical because I don’t have a good understanding of physics? Of the human body? I mean, we all are just particles, and so is the earth, so couldn’t it be possible that there is some alignment there? Logically, no. At least my logic.

But does it hurt to be open to it? I once had a friend tell me that it’s in our favor to be religious. I asked why. He said, well, if you believe in God and follow a pious life and there is a heaven and hell, you’ll be in heaven. Do not follow a religion and there is no religion,  you’re ok. But if religion is true, and you die and didn’t follow it, then you’re in hell. So just believe…

To me that was logical, but i hated it, so i didn’t believe. Anyways, i keep digressing with these stories. The point is that I need faith. I want to believe in something that you can’t prove. I want to know that I can’t control things, that things can easily happen beyond me, and that I can have faith and hope that it will work out in my favor.

I just read Wayne Dyer’s Manifest Your Destiny, and it’s a spiritual book (which I am beginning to enjoy because it’s more universal, not like religion where it’s an us vs. them mentality). It talks about the power of positive thinking, of visualizing what you want, which helps you work towards attaining it. But it discusses spiritual practice and how to change your lifestyle towards this way of thinking. I found it fascinating and helpful. I highly recommend it.

But why is it so easy to read these books and so hard to change my life? I mean, I read a meditation book 6 months ago with the new earth, and I absolutely loved it. Yet implementation is non existent. I guess mastery takes years and I want things to happen now. The American way of life…

So I begin a journey. A journey of faith. A journey of believing and hoping for great things and accepting life whether it happens or not. Of loving the process of life and not focusing on the outcomes. Of doing and saying what I feel so I’m not hiding from me. I hope you join me on this journey. I promise that we’ll make the process enjoyable, no matter what happens. That’s my faith…

1. The road is not straight. I felt this represented how life is a series of tests. Nothing is a straight simple line but rather a series of challenges that lead to different paths in life. I loved this quote in my golf days, “A bend in the road is not the end of the road unless you fail to make the turn”. I wonder though how often its up to us to make the turn. Is everything really in our control?
2. You can’t see the end of the road. I don’t know if uncertainty scares you, but it scares me. I’m a planner. If you take those personality tests, I may not mind spontaneity, but I’m rarely the one that initiates it. But what I wonder is why is uncertainty such a scary thing. If fate truly exists, uncertainty should be one of the beautiful things in life.

I want to embrace uncertainty, although I find myself battling this each day. One day I love it, the next day I fear it. Sometimes its an hour by hour change. I talk like it’s the greatest thing in the world, but I believe my actions and feelings dictate something different. How do you feel comfortable with uncertainty? how do you enjoy the process and disconnect from the outcome? Why is it that it took me 30 years to really want to dive into this?

How many of you have a general fear of uncertainty? What scares you about not knowing what’s around the corner? And how many of us are stifled and do not want to look beyond the general path in front of us?

In our conversation, he mentioned to me that strength often originates from weakness. This ran counterintuitive to my thinking. I always believed that what appeared to be strength was often compensation for weakness within. Although that seems very similar, this is a case of glass half full/half empty.

I’ve seen some of my strengths lately as busyness to deal with some of the things I’ve gone through over the last year as I wrote in my previous post. And maybe not exactly strengths. I mean, 6 books on a night stand doesn’t constitute strength. But take my example of ironman training (sidebar: yes, i am going to do a half ironman and ironman in 2010 – training began this weekend; this is crazy, but I am excited). I am punishing my body, working out harder then I ever have been. At times, I’ve felt guilty for this. I’ve thought that this was merely compensation to avoid confronting what lies within.

My friend put it another way. He said that the person I am becoming because of the pain that I’ve dealt with will make me the man I am tomorrow. That strength that comes from pursuing my passions despite the weakness within will help heal that weakness and make me a better person. Strength may be compensating, but it will eventually win.

So this is just a different perspective. Changing our perspective can change our lives. It’s like the chorus to the sister hazel song called Change Your Mind

If you want to be somebody else,
If you’re tired of fighting battles with yourself
If you want to be somebody else
Change your mind…

Yes, I just quoted sister hazel. Anyways, changing your mind is easier said then done, but I sometimes need a slap across the face like my buddy gave me last night to realize that I can improve my way of thinking.

Although life is a series of ups and downs, whether its within a day or within a lifetime, we should take those nuggets of wisdom that we encounter when we’re lucky enough for them to be presented to us. This wisdom can make a huge difference in our lives, but only if we’re fortunate to be aware and awake to see it. Like Morpheus said in the matrix (and yes, i had to look that up to realize Morpheus said it),

“I can only show you the door. You’re the one that has to walk through it.”

Thanks Newton. You’ve changed my mind.

I’ve had this feeling quite a bit lately. And even though I’ve started TONS of things, I seem to pick up something new each time. I have trouble following things through to completion. For example:

1. 4 books on my night stand, all read through about chapter 3
2. 3 video games, played through levels 2-3 sitting on my tv stand
3. Damages 2nd season, through about 5 episodes; but i have watched all 24s
4. Photoshop Learning – 1/3 of the way through
5. Learning to draw – 3/4 of the way through the book
6. FlexBuilder – through 6 of 40 tutorials to learn the basics

Do you get the picture? Sadly, I could keep listing them. Fortunately, two things I have been good at completing are what really keep me going: training (half marathon next Sunday) and work (primarily, Project Harmony and soon the 18 month rolling forecast).

I’m trying to figure out why I’m like that. I dont think I’ve ever picked up multiple books before to read without finishing the one I’m on. I know that I’m avoiding something, and I can only believe that the thing is loneliness.

But why avoid loneliness? its not one of those feelings that is enjoyable, but is it that unbearable? what causes it too? pain? anger? Why do people, or just me, want to avoid this? its so easy to talk about dealing with this, and then do one of the 50 things that I do to avoid it. well, i think that I’m ready to focus on it. I’m ready to write about it, privately and publicly.

What can come of this? Will it improve my connection with myself going forward? Will it make me a more confident person? Will it do nothing but help me get through what is turning out to be a reflective and painful year? I guess I’ll find out and let you know. If you encounter similar feelings and find yourself “keepin busy”, sit back and reflect why and whether it would be better to sit in the moment of it.

On a positive note, this has been a great week!!! I had a new employee start. She is what I needed to get over the hump at work. I’ve struggled in my new role because I haven’t had the technical expertise to get what I needed completed. I’ve had to rely on counterparts in Germany, which has been great, but there is only a few hour overlap each day where we can get work done. Xiao brings that technical dimension to my work that I’ve been missing locally, and I’m thrilled to have her on board! I think I’m finally going to be able to accomplish great things at HID.

But most of that was backward, not forward, looking. I know quite a bit about corporate strategy, and I’ve taken several additional classes in my MBA to learn more about this. As I enter my final (strategy) course in my MBA, and I was reading about defining strategy for a company, I started thinking about my strategy in life and why I don’t spend nearly enough time defining this.

We go through life without spending a lot of time about what our objectives are, what scope we’re working under, and what our strengths and weaknesses are. I think sub consciously we do this, but this changes constantly based on our current environment and events that happen, and do we ever re-evaluate where we are?

Would we be better off we do this? Would we make different decisions because we’ve mapped out a course for ourselves? Would we feel better about our future because we’re taking steps to get to a certain goal or aspiration.

I’m going to try and take some time talking about life strategy in my next few posts. I’d love to hear your thoughts on whether you have a strategy and what you think about this.

Charles William Stubbs quotes (British Historian, 1860-1946)

Lately, I’ve thought a lot about some of the feelings I’ve gone through over the course of the last two months. There have been a lot of downs, a few ups, but mostly a roller coaster. I’ve often sought things to do, ways to occupy my time. But each day when I come home, I am alone.

That has new meaning. 3 months ago, I came home, and I wasn’t alone. And I wasn’t alone for 5 years. I’ve lived on my own before. But that was in a new place in SF, not a place filled with distant memories. I was in a relationship, so I wasn’t alone, but I lived alone. I’m finding these two things are very different. If I look back at my life, I think this is the first time where I’ve really been on my own.

I am now on an individual journey that truly frightens me. I may have friends and a family nearby, but at the end and beginning of each day, I find myself in a bed in darkness looking at the ceiling, wondering what is in store for me that day, that week, this year, and to come…and before when I found myself staring at that same ceiling, I had the comfort of knowing that I didn’t have to find that myself. That I was on a journey with someone else.

That comfort may have disguised my lack of clear individual journey. Muddied with the journey of an us, I fell off my path, and being alone now makes me realize how far off the road I am. With the sudden realization of loneliness, I’ve often felt the urge to “insert new relationship” here. I want that to sound absurd because it is. The “rebound” as I mentioned before is simply a coping mechanism to deal with the current dread of being alone. The more I face loneliness and realize it causes pain rather than pleasure, the more I know I must be alone.

Right now, these days alone end up feeling sadder more often than not. But being alone is also about opportunity, about finding me and discovering what I truly love to do. When you’re with someone, it’s often hard to figure that out as the sense of self is often in conflict with the “we”. Separating the two is not an easy task.

I can say that right now, I can see the road ahead. It’s blurry, and to be honest, there are some serious forks at the entrance, and I don’t know which one to travel down. But they’re sitting in front of me. I just need to take those steps that get me there, that provide me with the courage to take a risk, stand up for what truly lies within me, and to find meaning within my weakest moments.

As the quote above mentions, I’ve had to sit with my conscience quite a bit. And I’ve found myself running away, through drinking, through chatting, through stumbleupon. There has always been at outlet for me, and I’m missing the judgment that lies within from being alone. I know I must face it. I must start my meditation practice and get to know me. But right now, I guess I’m afraid of what I’ll find out.

I don’t intend to make these posts too depressing, but I’m realizing self awareness of life’s situations is the best way to grow and move beyond the current situation. As I began with a quote, I end with one that I think summarizes where I am today and the benefit of this moment.

“The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.”

Henry David Thoreau quotes (American Essayist, Poet and Philosopher, 1817-1862)