Posts Tagged divorce
MBA, Friendship, Divorce…a day of reflection
Posted by Adam Ainbinder in Life on June 14, 2009
Today I graduated from the Paul Merage School of Business with my MBA. It was such an awesome day. My family was there to support me, and I had a great time with friends cheering, laughing, and just enjoying our last few hours together before the MBA ended. The experience was bittersweet, but one I’ll remember for a long time.
Three years ago, when I decided to start my MBA, I chose a fully employed, regional program because 1) I didn’t want to go into debt and 2) I was getting married and I didn’t want to be apart from my wife. For the first 1-2 years, I really doubted the value of the MBA and whether it was worth it. As I graduate today, I feel so lucky to have gone through this experience.
I made so many wonderful relationships that I know I will have for a very long time. I’ve found an awesome friend and training partner in Matt, a new female bff in Nour, an awesome friend and business partner in Sherry (and another sistard through this relationship), a gay partner in Mark (we both went to all boys high schools, so we get each other 
), and countless other friends who I will no doubt keep in touch with (and I won’t name all of you at risk of leaving out a name, but you know who you are). To me, this masters in business taught me truly what’s important in life, which is friendship and connecting with others, for that is what life is about. As I’ve questioned countless times in this blog, when I die, that is what will make me die happy.
Jenn, my ex-wife, also attended. I must say that this moment was truly bittersweet. I married Jenn two weeks after the MBA started, and today I graduate only a few weeks from finalizing our divorce papers. It’s pretty hard to describe the emotions I felt spending this afternoon with her.
Jenn is my best friend. She probably knows me better than anyone. As you’ve read in my previous blog posts, our marriage was not meant to be. I’ve had advice from people about whether its good or bad to remain friends during this period of transition from married couple to friends, and I must say that the answer to that question is a tough one. Today is a great example of why.
Hanging out for lunch with my family and Sherry’s family felt like old times. That feeling too is one of happiness in the moment, but sadness when it ends. The end of that moment is the realization that things have changed, and what felt normal for so long is now different. I wish I could describe that with a better word, but its very difficult to explain that feeling. It’s one of pain, anxiety, sadness, but also one of happiness that Jenn and I could realize we’re much better friends than a couple.
There are several “ends” in a divorce. There’s deciding on leaving each other, moving out, creating a separation agreement, signing divorce papers, and moving on with other people. All of these events signify an “end” that is difficult to go through, but makes the next inevitable steps in life easier.
Today, when I dropped Jenn off and went back to our old place, I felt this was another “end”. We had both officially completed our educational pursuits in the past two weeks, and these pursuits began when we were dating. I don’t know if you can only imagine what that feels like, but it’s definitely an unsettling feeling. We’ve finished our education and are moving on to the next stages of our life without each other. The other “end” comes in a month when she moves to SF. These ends get easier, but they’re still hard to deal with in the moment.
Despite how tough these experiences can be, I’m thankful for what Jenn and I have. We get each other, and although we don’t have the relationship love that makes a marriage work, we have that friendship love where we can count on each other. Although it’s a tough transition and space is good, these days are worth every minute.
I’ve revealed a lot in these posts, and I hope being real for each of you reading this helps you in your life. When you go through something similar or have a friend or family member who also encounters these sorts of events, I hope that my blog provides some insight into what could be going through that person’s heart. It’s easy to describe the mind, but the heart tends to hide behind that tough exterior that exists in all of us. I’ve tried to move beyond this exterior and reveal what’s deep down.
So today I graduate an MBA. But I’m no master of business, that’s for sure. I am on this journey of life. After several years of searching for my path, I finally feel like I’m on it. To me, the mastery of life has begun. Thankfully, it can’t be mastered, and I will forever be a student!
Here’s to my day of reflection…
Busyness to deal with loneliness
Posted by Adam Ainbinder in Life on April 25, 2009
Do you ever sit at home, by yourself, and wonder, I NEED to find something to do. I’m talking about that anxiety that pushes you to grab the tv clicker, pick up a book, or flip on the computer.
I’ve had this feeling quite a bit lately. And even though I’ve started TONS of things, I seem to pick up something new each time. I have trouble following things through to completion. For example:
- 4 books on my night stand, all read through about chapter 3
- 3 video games, played through levels 2-3 sitting on my tv stand
- Damages 2nd season, through about 5 episodes; but i have watched all 24s
- Photoshop Learning – 1/3 of the way through
- Learning to draw – 3/4 of the way through the book
- FlexBuilder – through 6 of 40 tutorials to learn the basics
Do you get the picture? Sadly, I could keep listing them. Fortunately, two things I have been good at completing are what really keep me going: training (half marathon next Sunday) and work (primarily, Project Harmony and soon the 18 month rolling forecast).
I’m trying to figure out why I’m like that. I dont think I’ve ever picked up multiple books before to read without finishing the one I’m on. I know that I’m avoiding something, and I can only believe that the thing is loneliness.
But why avoid loneliness? its not one of those feelings that is enjoyable, but is it that unbearable? what causes it too? pain? anger? Why do people, or just me, want to avoid this? its so easy to talk about dealing with this, and then do one of the 50 things that I do to avoid it. well, i think that I’m ready to focus on it. I’m ready to write about it, privately and publicly.
What can come of this? Will it improve my connection with myself going forward? Will it make me a more confident person? Will it do nothing but help me get through what is turning out to be a reflective and painful year? I guess I’ll find out and let you know. If you encounter similar feelings and find yourself “keepin busy”, sit back and reflect why and whether it would be better to sit in the moment of it.
On a positive note, this has been a great week!!! I had a new employee start. She is what I needed to get over the hump at work. I’ve struggled in my new role because I haven’t had the technical expertise to get what I needed completed. I’ve had to rely on counterparts in Germany, which has been great, but there is only a few hour overlap each day where we can get work done. Xiao brings that technical dimension to my work that I’ve been missing locally, and I’m thrilled to have her on board! I think I’m finally going to be able to accomplish great things at HID.
living with loss
Posted by Adam Ainbinder in Life on March 5, 2009
This week has been rough. I sat in line at the family court house on Wednesday to file my divorce papers. I can honestly say I haven’t felt that bad in a long time. I don’t know if anyone else out there feels this way, but as I was sitting and waiting for my number to be called, my heart pounded, I had high anxiety, and I felt pain and sadness, but I could not let it out. In this moment, I had to bear with it. It felt like I was squealing in my chair, trapped with no choice but to wait for C-323 to be called. For this is CA, and this is now a court house I’m dealing with to end my marriage.
How messed up is that? I submit my paper work to the clerk, she stamps a bunch of things, asked me for my $350, and the end of my marriage BEGINS. In six months and one day, it will be over. Seriously CA, can you make this any shittier?
So that made this week rough. But like a lot of this pain, each day seems to get better. When this started, it seemed like an hour of pain for an hour of joy (or better, no pain). Later on, it was 2-3 hours of joy for each hour of pain. Now 6-7 hours. So time does heal wounds. The one thing I’ve learned though is when you hit those times of pain, it really hits hard. It hits as hard as the first time, and it doesn’t seem to get easier. I hope with time, this too will dull.
But what’s the best way to deal with that? At the onset of that feeling tonight, I decided to watch Eagle Eye on Blu-Ray. Not the best movie, but it kept me entertained for a good two hours. Then the movie ends, the pain returns. It doesn’t make sense! How can that distraction be literally a temporary gap for a feeling of pain, only to have it return when it ends.
It made me realize that avoidance isn’t a cure. Maybe avoidance buys you team so the heart can heal faster. Maybe avoidance is the fast forward button in life. But is it? Will the heart heal if you avoid? Or will it just hit you one day when the feeling of loss becomes real again? Maybe a different type of loss? A death? A move away?
I’ve heard from several people that a divorce is like a death. A death of us. A death of the future. Is it also a rebirth of individuality? Of me? Timothy Hsu made a great comment to my we vs. I post when he said “Studies show that divorce exacts a greater and longer-lasting emotional and physical toll than virtually any other life stress, including widowhood.” If this is a death, how do you move on? How do you keep a friendship when it is a death of us? Can the relationship and friendship be separated, and you think of the death of the relationship, but not the friendship?
Life is confusing. I don’t know what the next few weeks will bring, but despite these low moments of pain, I feel like there are good moments ahead. I look forward to each. I leave you with two quotes. For me, they help me get through the day.
“We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey.”
Kenji Miyazawa
“When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.”
Kahlil Gibran
“we” or “i” – which are u?
Posted by Adam Ainbinder in Life on March 1, 2009
I believe the world is made up of two people, “we” people and “i” people. “we” people think of things and events in the collective. Our cats, our place, our trip. “I” people think of things in the singular, obviously. The cats. My trip that I went on with…. The place I live with him. Which are you? If you don’t know right away, then next time you’re in a relationship, see how you describe events you go to with the person, or the things in your place. It’s especially evident when you live with someone.
If you think its obvious that everyone is a “we” when you get married or live together, then you will be sadly mistaken. I don’t know too much of the psychology behind it because I’m not an expert, but “we” people tend to have very positive experiences with family and relationships growing up. I even believe that “we” people tend to have a very strong bond with one parent. “i” people struggle with relationships growing up, particularly with their parents. that is my two cents on the psychology aspect based on personal experience. i could be completely off. Also, this has nothing to do with being selfish or selfless. I know plenty of “i” people who are selfless, while a number of “we” people are incredibly focused on only them. This only relates to how you view relationships and the roles of each person.
Anyways, I am a “we” person. I find myself stuck in “we” lately. I can’t escape it. Everything is “our”. Memories are all “we”. For example, I’ve always been the person that says “we” traveled there rather than I. Now that my marriage has ended, this is growing more painful each day since I’m still stuck in the plural. It makes me think deeper about me though. Why can’t I be an I? Was “we” part of the problem in the marriage? Was I thinking too much of us and not enough of me?
I can’t change the past, and I will slowly escape the plural description of what feels like everything I own or have done. But is it ok to be a “we” person? Is it better to be an “I” and just love and care for the other person you’re with. Yes, I’m going through a divorce, and so I have to deal with the pain of being a “we” person. But loss is a fact of life. If you’re married to someone till death do you part, then one of you will die before the other. At that point, what do you do if you’re a “we”?
I’m learning more about Buddhism, and I’m wondering if “we” creates an unhealthy attachment to things. How do I be an “i” in a healthy relationship? If you’re reading and have an idea, please share. This blog is becoming more about life experiences, and I know you also have plenty of experience to share!
distance makes the heart grow ….
Posted by Adam Ainbinder in Life on February 26, 2009
fonder? further? what does distance truly do?
today, i found out that Jenn got a job in San Francisco. It’s bittersweet. We had always dreamed of moving to the bay area together. It was a place of fond memories. I proposed to her on the hills above the golden gate bridge (where this picture was) on a cold and gloomy December day. We spent many weekends there, seeing friends and experiencing new places. We spent her birthday there amidst the pain of the “beginning of the end” when she returned from her Mexico trip. Ok, so the memories weren’t always good.
Well, she will now be moving there, in August, without me. I’m so proud of her. She’s always wanted to be in a big city. She’s wanted to live in a crummy run down apartment (with a dog, but i don’t think that’s happening this time , and walk to work or take public transportation. Those wishes now come true. She always wanted this, and she worked hard to get there. Well done Jenn!
I think the pain lies now in this really signifying the end of our marriage. I know that we decided to split. I know that we’re filing papers next week to start that six month process. But she was always here. And we were friends. It was easy, in my head. The friendship, that is. Now, with her departure this summer, she will be 410 miles away (yes, I’ve driven there that many times), and despite just an hour plane ride, it will feel like an ocean stands between us.
this is probably a good thing. it’s a sign that we need to move on. we need to find ourselves in our new lives and pursue our own dreams. This is easier said than done, but I dont have a choice now. It’s another dream of ours together that I will have to forget.
I leave you with a quote. Distance can make the heart grow fonder, or it can make the heart forget. In my case, I hope it helps my heart heal.
Can miles truly separate you from friends? If you want to be with someone you love, aren’t you already there? – Richard Bach
emotions – good or bad?
Posted by Adam Ainbinder in Life on February 22, 2009
i don’t know about most of you, but I’ve always had trouble being emotional. Maybe it’s just a guy thing, but to cry was to show weakness. I don’t know where I got that, and I would say that many of my friends who know me pretty well would call me sensitive (for a guy at least), but being sad was never something that was easy for me, especially in front of others. I’ve even been called a robot from those really close to me, and to be honest, that sucks. It only sucks because it was the truth
So I’ve had a lot to deal with in my life lately. I’ve had to be emotional quite often, in front of people that I’m not used to. I’ve learned which of my friends can handle emotion, and which can’t. I have learned that being emotional is not a sign of weakness, but it’s an indicator of being human and growth. How do people grow if they are so disconnected from their feelings that they can’t act how they feel at any given moment? How do friendships blossom if you can’t sit down with someone and talk about those feelings, and for a moment, actually feel them?
I visited my friend Shay tonight to pick up some games from him. I haven’t known Shay for long, about 2 years or so. Much more in the last 6 months as I’ve been in a group with him in 2 of my classes. Shay was diagnosed with brain cancer in 2007, and he’s been fighting this SHITTY disease ever since. He’s struggled through I believe 3 surgeries, and he’s fighting for his life each day. To me, Shay is my hero. Not because of his survival, but because of his courage and love that he still has despite the challenges he’s faced.
Shay’s strength lies in his family, which gives him the unwavering courage to fight this disease. His attitude is as good as it gets. If you met Shay, you couldn’t tell for a moment from his attitude that he had cancer. He is strong. Tonight, he said something to me where I could really see Shay.
I mentioned to him I was going through a divorce. I said, to be honest, your story has made me realize that divorce isn’t that bad. Despite hardship, I realize that there are plenty of things I should be thankful for.
He said (not direct quote, but something similar), Adam, my wife and child keep me going. They’re the ones who haven given me the strength to fight through this. I wouldn’t be able to do that without them. (indirectly: what you’re going through sucks and I understand).
Here is my friend battling death, and he has enough compassion for empathy. I was overwhelmed with sadness when he said this. Of course, like the true man that I was, I hid it, shook his hand, and left his house. But I’m hoping Shay could feel from me what those words meant. He understood my pain despite the suffering he’s encountered. I don’t know why that is meaningful to me, but it was a great show of friendship that I wasn’t expecting. I hope too that Shay knows how much I beieve in him and hope that he will be loving his family for many years to come!
I know it’s not socially accepted for men to publicly display feelings. Hell, women too. But i want to make the extra effort to not hide from my feelings. I want to show sadness when I’m sad, anger when I’m angry, and joy when I’m happy. It would be nice to do this without being judged, but unfortunately, our society is all about snap judgement, and that is something I will have to learn to deal with. Through showing emotion, I hope I can strengthen my friendships with others. I don’t want to hide behind the true feelings in an effort to come across “stronger” than I am. Strength lies in connecting deep within, not by hiding behind a tough exterior! Easier said then done though.
hope…it keeps me going. How about you?
Posted by Adam Ainbinder in Life on January 29, 2009
“hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things. and no good thing ever dies”
When I saw Shawshank Redemption many years ago, this quote always stayed with me. I don’t know why and I couldn’t remember the exact words. I just always remembered that hope was a good thing and it kept me going. In looking up the quote, I realize the importance of the last sentence – no good thing ever dies!
We all go through difficult times in our lives. Maybe a loved one passes away. Maybe we go through a bad breakup. Maybe we lose that job and don’t have savings to fall back on. But when you dream…when you have hope that things can get better, then it provides fuel to your soul. It seems to be the good thing to all that is bad, the light to darkness, the hero to the villain.
I’ve recently endured some hardship. There are times when I’ve wondered what I’ll do given the changes the lie ahead, or what feels like the unknown. When you take something away that you love and that feels comfortable, there is emptiness. I’ve tried to grasp on to things that may not feel right, but they feel comfortable.
Separating comfort and what is the best path has been the most difficult thing I’ve done in my life, and at times I feel like the decisions made weren’t the right ones. Comfort isn’t right. It’s what gets us by. It’s the “gray twilight that knows not victory nor defeat” (see my leadership philosophy). Life is more than comfort. Life is about happiness, passion, love. Yes, maybe that’s idealistic, but that’s why we dream. At least, that’s why I dream.
And that’s where hope comes in. Hope that one day I will find peace in knowing that no matter what happens, I’m with me and that’s ok. Hope that I will one day be with someone who sees things the way I see them. Hope that I can focus on things that I should of focused on for the last several years. Hope that what I’ve built with my best friend over the past five years isn’t lost but simply a foundation of something wonderful to continue in the future. Hope is so much more than comfort.
Wikipedia has a LONG definition of hope. To me, I can feel hope and that’s what matters. I thank the world that there’s hope. If you haven’t discovered it, if you haven’t learned how to dream and hope for better things, then today is a good time to start. Because today could be the first day of the rest of your life. And that is something to be hopeful for
My Life...
