Posts Tagged Life
Year in Review
Posted by Adam Ainbinder in Goals, Life, Races on January 3, 2010
A year has past, and what a year has it been. I love these end of the year posts (last year’s post is here) because it gives me a time to reflect on things that went well in my life, things that didn’t go to well, things I want to change going into the new year, and that which is all good.
Entering last year, I wasn’t in the best place. I was in a struggling marriage, and this life struggle was disrupting the equilibrium with the other things in life. I was having trouble focusing on work, I had trouble focusing on my goals, and I had no idea what I wanted. I had trouble sleeping, and everything was cloudy. Was this what life was supposed to be like, I often questioned. I would often sit in front of my computer for hours, chatting, tweeting, stumbling (literally) endlessly with that awesome firefox plug in stumbleupon! I was distracting myself, constantly. If you want to see some of the dark places I reached and things I questioned, check out my posts on life (you can read here) for the first 3-4 months last year. Some of my most reflective/sad/interesting (heartbr8king, emotions – good or bad, alone, living with loss).
Once we decided to divorce, I started running. I ran a lot. It was my escape. I had run in my first marathon the previous year (2008), and I really enjoyed it despite the hellish pain of getting across 
the finish line. And yes, I never did a 5k, 10k, half marathon or any race for that matter…I jumped right into the marathon, and not just to finish, but to finish in under 4 hours (I finished SF, one of the harder marathons, in 3:52:42). It was a big accomplishment for me, and the feeling I got from overcoming those “impossible” barriers made me feel…made me feel, great!
So when I went through this struggle, I decided to run, and when I ran, I was at peace. I had a clear head. My buddy Matt suggested cycling, so I started riding too, but just for fun. When I was on that road though, I felt free. I could feel my body, my heart beat, my head sweat, my legs hurt. That feeling though was amazing, and for the first time in a while, I really felt alive.
So…I trained. I ran a lot. I started cycling a lot. I did a half marathon (OC)…I did a full marathon (SF). I picked up swimming and did my first triathlon…an Ol
ympic distance event in San Diego where I crushed my goal time by over 23 minutes (2:22 vs. a goal of 2:45). I started believing in myself. I started reading about running, about training, about pedaling, about cycling. I found a community on twitter that I learned so much from. I found something to be passionate about…again! It had been a while!
I also finished my MBA in June, and although I didn’t have the greatest experience in the classroom, I met some awesome friends along the way, and more importantly, I met a special someone the day before graduation. It was a random introduction from someone I just met, and that 5 minute intro turned into a facebook message, then a facebook conversation, then some text messages, then a few phone calls, text flirting for a week, a first date, a second date, and well…a great pick up to the second half of my year. It’s been an awesome six months now, and that is one of the things giving some positive momentum to this new year that I’m very excited about!
In June, I also got a new Abby kitten I named RED, which funny enough came from him being a pREDator, but also because he is a red abyssinian. I love animals (if you haven’t gathered), and if I 
had a bigger place, I’d probably have a full farm. J/K. Kind of. 
Red is awesome. I always believed in having two cats since I work full time, they can keep each other company during the day. I had Toby and Riley from the same litter nearly five years ago, and when I decided to give Riley to my ex-wife since he truly was always her cat, I wanted to find Toby a partner. Red was the perfect companion, being even more dog like than Toby. He follows me everywhere, fetches, growls at the door, and wants to go for walks (which I will avoid . Sadly enough, as I wrote about in this post, Riley passed on in October, which was also a down moment this year. This was hard for me to deal with even though Riley was now Jenn’s cat because of my attachment to animals. I keep telling myself he’s in a good place and it was his time, but I still get torn up when I think about him.
In December, I went on a sweet Hawaii vacation, my first week off since my honeymoon 3 years ago. Upon my return, the day of in fact, I got Kaila. Kaila is the first dog I’ve ever owned, and although she proved to be a handful at first, I’m really starting to love her. She is so damn cute, and although I’m still trying to find my groove with her between playing, training (training her, not triathlon training , and pure dominance training (yes I pin her and growl at her showing my teeth – must be the pack leader), I’m finally starting to see why dogs are so freakin awesome! Next August or so, she’ll be my new running partner. I can’t wait. I hope I can keep up with her!!!
So that is my year for you. I’ve been employed by the same company from start to finish, hired my first employee at this company, and made some big strides there developing the business analytics program. To be honest, 2010 will be the year that defines business analytics at my company. I’m excited to see what happens. But let’s get back to my hobby before departing. Below are two images that summarize my year:
This is a summary by sport of what I did in 2010. I started keeping track of the type of run, swim, and cycling ride in October, so that’s why you see somewhat of a sporadic summary. The totals are:
- Running: 1175 miles … this is funny, but in my post last year when I ran 666.4 miles, I said I don’t know if I’ll ever run this mileage again because I’m now swimming and cycling. And I nearly doubled that running mileage In 2010, I hope to get up to 1500 miles, which may be tough since I’ll do less run training than 2010
- Swimming: 22 hours … Difficult to get mileage here, but this isn’t very much. I’ll blow this away in 2010
- Cycling: 2017 miles … although this seems like a lot, it’s really not. I’m guessing I’ll at least double this amount this year.
This image is the the most interesting to me. This is a summary by month of all sports. The thing I find fascinating here is check out my total time and my heart rate. The number of hours has really gone up the last few months as I’ve taken training seriously. But what’s most fascinating is that my average heart rate has gone down over this period of time. There could be several factors at play here, but I think it represents two things 1) I’m getting in better shape and 2) I’m cycling more, which typically results in a lower heart rate. Either way, I’m really proud of the progression. The down month in October was the result of a taper for a peak marathon (MCM) as well as a slight taper for the triathlon I was in.
That’s my 2009. Here’s to a great 2010! Happy New Year everyone!
2010 Goals
Posted by Adam Ainbinder in Goals on January 1, 2010
I’m trying to keep it simple this year. And not overdo it. Maybe that should be my only goal It’s the new year, so here’s my list for 2010:
Measurable Goals
- Date night with the girl, at least once a week
- Complete Ironman Arizona (and do it in less than 12 hours)
- Complete one Lynda training session per month
- Read one book per month
- Build out business analytics team and complete business metric framework for executive management
- Complete technical roadmap for data warehouse methodology
- House train my puppy
- Train Kaila to sit, come, lay down, stay, shake, roll over, run, and NOT JUMP on people
Subjective Goals
- Continue to develop my stronger voice. It’s there. Be brave enough to use it.
- Train because I love it, not because I have to
- Races are not the end. Everything is for the experience. Don’t get upset if I fail to meet my ambitious racing goals
- When you think you don’t have enough left in the tank, it’s still half full. Keep going
- Training is a hobby. Don’t let it get in the way of the most important things in life
I’ve been reflecting a lot on 2009 as well. That post to come soon! I hope everyone had a fantastic new year!
Break from the usual: my cat moves on
Posted by Adam Ainbinder in Life on October 28, 2009
Last night I found out that the cat I gave to my ex-wife passed on. He was just under five years old. He died in one of the worst ways I can imagine. He fell from her 15 story apartment in San Francisco. When I got the news last night, I could not stop crying. Riley was the first cat that we got, and he was the cutest little guy.
I’m horrible with death. I have the worst death anxiety, and for those who are close to me, you know I’m really that cat guy who is extremely attached to animals. News of Riley’s death has shaken me, and I know in due time, I’ll move on and cherish the love for my guys more, but in this moment, I can’t help but think about my first pet as a grown up. I kept having horrible dreams last night, and I decided to get up and write a post for Riley.
Riley was the “little guy”. He was smaller than Toby, his brother from the same litter, but boy he was a cute rascal. He always wanted to be “free” from the confines of the house. Toby was happy just being around me. Riley, on the other hand, always wanted to escape. From walking the rail on the balcony to running out the front door and down the hall way as soon as it opened, he was a cat that didn’t want to be trapped. In some ways I think about his jump out the window as his escape. He was moving on and if you believe in reincarnation, maybe he wanted to be something else. I don’t know, but I just know that I miss him.
What hurts me most is I don’t know how Jenn handled it. Jenn has had a tough time moving up to San Francisco, where she really wanted to learn to be on her own and that’s the biggest reason for our divorce. For some of you who are new to my blog, I wrote some pretty detailed posts about the divorce early on, and publicly discussing it really helped me get through it. We’ve remained friends throughout the process, which I think is unusual in this circumstance. So when she broke the news to me last night, I knew it was hard for her because Riley meant everything to her. I know she felt bad for how it happened, and it’s not worth getting into the shoulds and the what-ifs. I hurt for her because i know this loss affects her the most.
The hardest part of his death is that Riley kept Jenn from truly being alone, and it really hurts me to think that he has moved on in life, leaving her to fend the world on her own. I don’t know what I’d do without Toby for the past few months, and if I saw Toby’s dead body lying on the ground after a fall like that, I don’t know how I’d get myself out of bed. It’s been hard enough for me to sleep just imaging Riley on the side of the road, and I don’t know what I’d do if faced with the situation. To be honest, it’s like my worst nightmare. It’s why I can’t watch the I am Legend scene where his dog dies in his hands. Jenn, if you do ever read this, please remember Riley for the pictures here and how awesome he was as a companion. Those images can hurt someone for life, and I want you to remember the good things about Riley so you’re not scarred from getting another pet in your life time. Riley was awesome. Honor him for the support he gave you and the friend he was. I know the feeling can be empty and you’re being a trooper through this. I’m sure your faith has helped!
I try to rationalize it, saying he served a purpose in my life and in hers. That he’s moved on to better places. But it still doesn’t relieve me of the sadness of Riley exiting life before I felt it was his time or the heart ache I feel for Jenn for losing her friend. I think about Shay, a friend who passed away last week from my MBA program, and I think how cruel life can be sometimes, striking some of us down before the natural course of life. I wonder why. Why take this genuine, loving father and husband from us when the higher power had every opportunity to heal him in numerous surgeries (brain cancer). It’s hard for me to engage on Shay’s death because of my overwhelming fear of dying. I’ve read emails from my friends and facebook posts, and I have such a hard time responding or commenting because I would be acknowledging that yes, death can be just around the corner for any of us. Cherish life.
I then I get word about Riley, and it’s like the joke’s on me. It’s like there’s god saying to me, I’m going to make you face this whether you like it or not. I’m going to make you think about the decision to give Riley to Jenn four months ago so that she could have her cat and the natural order could progress. I’m going to make you think about the image of death, how real it is, and how it could be around the corner. I’m going to make you appreciate life. But first, I’m going to show you how real death is…
And this weekend, I’m going to my girlfriend’s aunt’s funeral. Another person who has moved on – another sad day for so many people. Is it god’s way of testing my faith? Of saying, find belief because if you don’t, then what happens when the heart stops and the eyes shut.
I wanted to take a break from my training blogs and get back to why I truly started this blog – to ruminate about life and principally, understand purpose here on earth. There’s nothing that makes you reflect more than death. And I know some of you think Riley was just a cat, move on. But when you raise a pet, when it helps you through tough times, when it’s there for you when you come home everyday and when you need him the most, the loss can be painful. The emptiness can feel so real.
Riley – you were an awesome cat. You provided joy and support for me and Jenn in your life, and you will be forever remembered! Wherever you are, I hope you found peace!
love = commitment
Posted by Adam Ainbinder in Life on July 29, 2009
I’ve been fairly absent the last few weeks from blogging. The occasional training post, but that’s not what my blog is about. This blog is about purpose and meaning in life. I wrote a few months back about what would make me die happy. The first two things that would make me smile on my death bed focused on love – loving everything meaningful in my life and having a loving relationship with my partner through ups and downs.
But what is love? How could I expect to really know what that was coming from a failed marriage? The last few months, I’ve read up on love and spent a lot of time reflecting about it, talking to others about it, trying to feel it with friends/family, but also committing to it with others. Today, I feel slightly wiser, but experience is something I need in order to feel comfortable with love. The beauty of love is that you can experience this day in, day out with anyone.
I’ve read two great books on love recently: Love by Leo Buscaglia and The Art of Loving by Erich Fromm. Art of loving was a little too philosophical for me but had a lot of great points, particularly related to how we love in a capitalistic society. But if you’re going to read one, read Love. Fantastic book.
These books are old: one is >20 years old and the other >50. But the meaning behind them really hits home, and I realized that when it comes to love, despite the changing environment, there is a lot that never will change.
I learned a lot from these books that will be hard to summarize in a blog post. I did have a few great takeaways though:
1) Love is a commitment. Erich Fromm mentions (and this is how I read it) that love is not a feeling but a commitment. If love were a feeling, then how would marriages work? Can you truly have a feeling for 50-60 years? I think that most people believe love is a feeling, and therefore, when the feeling goes away, the relationship should end. Love is a commitment makes much more sense to me.
I believe that all love starts with a feeling, but it ends with commitment. Love is work, and those who believe otherwise, I believe, are idealistic. To expect to be attracted to someone physically, emotionally, and intellectually for years and years while spending most of your living free time together without constantly working at it is unrealistic. Love takes thought and innovation. Love should not be expected but worked at. If you want to love, then you must commit to making it work and not lose sight of this through ups and downs. And if you’re like me and this is one of the top 3 values in your life, then it better be your top priority.
2) Love has no capacity. We have the ability to love as many people as we want. Just because we love our wife and kids doesn’t mean we don’t have the capacity to love our friends, our extended family, strangers, etc… I think people get caught up in the love has capacity theory because love takes work (see (1) above), and therefore, we may not want to take the time to love everyone. But it’s good to separate here capacity to love and time capacity.
3) Loving everyone changes your mindset. This was an indirect message from Love. I started accepting people for who they were and stopped blurring my image of them with past events that may have given me “beliefs” about their intentions. Once I did this, I was amazed at how much happier I was.
Sidebar here: love is not just about caring for someone. It’s also respecting that person and sharing/receiving knowledge. Love is often way more than we think it is, and that really stood out. I always thought it was caring, but if you only care for someone, then how is it mutually beneficial for extended periods of time? Love must last, and to make it last, you must give to the relationship as well as receive.
4) Capitalism has distorted our priorities. Yup, surprising, but my favorite takeaway from Erich Fromm’s book. Basically, we spend all of our time focusing on work from 8 to whenever that when we get home, we want to do nothing. But we’re now not working hard at the time of our life that is most meaningful – time with friends and family. We take vacations to do nothing. We don’t work at our hobbies. We sit in front of computers and tvs.
5) Different types of love. The books disagreed on this point. Love said there are not types of love. Art of Loving said that there are several types: brotherly love, self love,god love, romantic love (different word, but its escaping me). I believe in different types of love, and I’ve struggled quite a lot with self-love. I do believe they are all inter-related though.
When you think about your best friend and the significant other that you love, is it different? Do you tell your best friend that you love them? If you do or have done it in the past, has it felt comfortable? Love (book) really taught me that it’s ok to love your friends and others even though society hasn’t really accepted “I love you” in everyday vocabulary to each other. If the feeling is there, share it.
What do you think about love? Is it something that you take for granted? Do you work on it? I’m curious because I’ve never thought of it as something as critically important…until now
money: how important is it to you?
Posted by Adam Ainbinder in Life on June 18, 2009
I’ve noticed that a lot of people I know have an obsession with money. I see it in two forms: buy material things or hoard. I understand we need money to survive. But what about this need to accumulate wealth?
I ask this because I have fallen (note past tense, thankfully) into this camp before. I have hoarded money. I avoid spending to “save for a rainy day”. But when is that rainy day? Is it death? Is it if I’m paralyzed? I mean seriously, at that point, who cares about comfort…I’m paralyzed.
I’m sure there are numerous psychological studies on this. Maybe people came from a poor background and feel a need for financial security. What is it about money that makes us comfortable? Is it just another “thing” that gives us security? Do some people find comfort in relationships or something other than money, maybe love (friendly or deeper)? Does everyone have a dependence on something for some reason, and for some people, it just happens to be money?
A friend of mine won’t turn the air conditioner on in his car because he feels like it costs money. He says it uses too much gas. So if people are hot, they have to roll down the windows. I do the math in my head. Spend $30 to fill up a tank. Let’s just say you did that every week, so your cost was about $1500 a year. What if you had to fill up ONE MORE TIME? You’d spend $1530. So the $30 ANNUALLY wasn’t worth the additional comfort of having a cool car when it’s hot as hell outside? I don’t get it. Then again, maybe my brain is just wired to do cost/benefit analysis for even the most trivial things.
Maybe we’re irrational because of what money represents (e.g. Power, Status, etc…). And it’s so strange too because it’s usually the people who have a lot of money that care so much about it. Of course people without money want to make more, but they’re doing it at the subsistence level to eat, stay warm, and have shelter. People with money who do things like keep the AC off in the car easily have enough to afford it. So what is it that makes someone want to save that $.60 per week? What causes this?
Deeper questions and I’m sure there’s no right answer. I also feel this represents a minority of the population, but a minority that I find often in the business world.
Search for the Meaning of Life?
Posted by Adam Ainbinder in Life on June 6, 2009
Ok, so here I am, sitting in my cabin in Lake Arrowhead on the 2nd night of the closing residential, reflecting on my life. Tonight, it came up in class that I have a blog. I started thinking about what I set out to do in this blog, which was to search for meaning in life. To understand purpose and figure out what truly I should do…
This weekend is all about purpose, life, and why we went to school to get these MBAs. Now that we’re done with the degree, what will we do with it? It’s funny that we’re reflecting on this now AFTER we got the degree. Of course, this economy doesn’t help.
So I ruminate. What is my purpose? I can repeat my challenge in life that I may have mentioned six times today, twice to the entire class: what is ENOUGH? If you’re at a comfortable salary level, then what is the point of promotion? What is the point of more money? What is the point of working more hours? When you’re sitting on your death bed, many years from now (did that trigger braveheart anyone), then will you look back at getting promotions, running a company, or making more money as the things that defined who you are? I think several years ago, I would of answered yes. Today this is a resounding no.
I know that in my life, I will die happy if 1) I loved with my entire heart everything and everyone that was meaningful in my life 2) I grew old with a woman that I would do anything for and we continued to love each other through ups and downs and 3) I positively impacted others to be better people in their lives (can be kids, friends, students, etc…)
I asked Matt and Rishi what they thought about happiness on their death bed (yes, a very deep conversation one night in our cabin), and they felt this came down to leaving a legacy. Legacy could be different for everyone, but it meant leaving something behind, from your name, to teaching kids to be better, to having kids that you did your best job parenting.
Knowing this, I believe that purpose relates to doing what will make me happy in life. And based on what I mentioned above, I know the things that will get me there. So if I start living for this, how does this impact my work? What happens if priorities shift and those things become the most important things in my life?
I guess we’ll find out…
weakness within
Posted by Adam Ainbinder in Life on May 10, 2009
what a weekend. i met one of my good, and I would call him long lost, friends for dinner last night. He’s very spiritual and he’s not the type to have a surface level conversation. At times, I felt he was peering into my soul, but right now, I need that. He asked me how I was, and then he asked me how I really was. “ok” was not sufficient.
In our conversation, he mentioned to me that strength often originates from weakness. This ran counterintuitive to my thinking. I always believed that what appeared to be strength was often compensation for weakness within. Although that seems very similar, this is a case of glass half full/half empty.
I’ve seen some of my strengths lately as busyness to deal with some of the things I’ve gone through over the last year as I wrote in my previous post. And maybe not exactly strengths. I mean, 6 books on a night stand doesn’t constitute strength. But take my example of ironman training (sidebar: yes, i am going to do a half ironman and ironman in 2010 – training began this weekend; this is crazy, but I am excited). I am punishing my body, working out harder then I ever have been. At times, I’ve felt guilty for this. I’ve thought that this was merely compensation to avoid confronting what lies within.
My friend put it another way. He said that the person I am becoming because of the pain that I’ve dealt with will make me the man I am tomorrow. That strength that comes from pursuing my passions despite the weakness within will help heal that weakness and make me a better person. Strength may be compensating, but it will eventually win.
So this is just a different perspective. Changing our perspective can change our lives. It’s like the chorus to the sister hazel song called Change Your Mind
If you want to be somebody else,
If you’re tired of fighting battles with yourself
If you want to be somebody else
Change your mind…
Yes, I just quoted sister hazel. Anyways, changing your mind is easier said then done, but I sometimes need a slap across the face like my buddy gave me last night to realize that I can improve my way of thinking.
Although life is a series of ups and downs, whether its within a day or within a lifetime, we should take those nuggets of wisdom that we encounter when we’re lucky enough for them to be presented to us. This wisdom can make a huge difference in our lives, but only if we’re fortunate to be aware and awake to see it. Like Morpheus said in the matrix (and yes, i had to look that up to realize Morpheus said it),
“I can only show you the door. You’re the one that has to walk through it.”
Thanks Newton. You’ve changed my mind.
Busyness to deal with loneliness
Posted by Adam Ainbinder in Life on April 25, 2009
Do you ever sit at home, by yourself, and wonder, I NEED to find something to do. I’m talking about that anxiety that pushes you to grab the tv clicker, pick up a book, or flip on the computer.
I’ve had this feeling quite a bit lately. And even though I’ve started TONS of things, I seem to pick up something new each time. I have trouble following things through to completion. For example:
- 4 books on my night stand, all read through about chapter 3
- 3 video games, played through levels 2-3 sitting on my tv stand
- Damages 2nd season, through about 5 episodes; but i have watched all 24s
- Photoshop Learning – 1/3 of the way through
- Learning to draw – 3/4 of the way through the book
- FlexBuilder – through 6 of 40 tutorials to learn the basics
Do you get the picture? Sadly, I could keep listing them. Fortunately, two things I have been good at completing are what really keep me going: training (half marathon next Sunday) and work (primarily, Project Harmony and soon the 18 month rolling forecast).
I’m trying to figure out why I’m like that. I dont think I’ve ever picked up multiple books before to read without finishing the one I’m on. I know that I’m avoiding something, and I can only believe that the thing is loneliness.
But why avoid loneliness? its not one of those feelings that is enjoyable, but is it that unbearable? what causes it too? pain? anger? Why do people, or just me, want to avoid this? its so easy to talk about dealing with this, and then do one of the 50 things that I do to avoid it. well, i think that I’m ready to focus on it. I’m ready to write about it, privately and publicly.
What can come of this? Will it improve my connection with myself going forward? Will it make me a more confident person? Will it do nothing but help me get through what is turning out to be a reflective and painful year? I guess I’ll find out and let you know. If you encounter similar feelings and find yourself “keepin busy”, sit back and reflect why and whether it would be better to sit in the moment of it.
On a positive note, this has been a great week!!! I had a new employee start. She is what I needed to get over the hump at work. I’ve struggled in my new role because I haven’t had the technical expertise to get what I needed completed. I’ve had to rely on counterparts in Germany, which has been great, but there is only a few hour overlap each day where we can get work done. Xiao brings that technical dimension to my work that I’ve been missing locally, and I’m thrilled to have her on board! I think I’m finally going to be able to accomplish great things at HID.
Life strategy – applying an MBA to life
Posted by Adam Ainbinder in Life on April 3, 2009
I’ve spent much time in the last 10 years of my life analyzing businesses, trying to make sense of what they do and how they can do it better. I’m an analyst by nature, but how much time have I spent analyzing my own life. By the look of this blog, quite a bit in the last few months.
But most of that was backward, not forward, looking. I know quite a bit about corporate strategy, and I’ve taken several additional classes in my MBA to learn more about this. As I enter my final (strategy) course in my MBA, and I was reading about defining strategy for a company, I started thinking about my strategy in life and why I don’t spend nearly enough time defining this.
We go through life without spending a lot of time about what our objectives are, what scope we’re working under, and what our strengths and weaknesses are. I think sub consciously we do this, but this changes constantly based on our current environment and events that happen, and do we ever re-evaluate where we are?
Would we be better off we do this? Would we make different decisions because we’ve mapped out a course for ourselves? Would we feel better about our future because we’re taking steps to get to a certain goal or aspiration.
I’m going to try and take some time talking about life strategy in my next few posts. I’d love to hear your thoughts on whether you have a strategy and what you think about this.
alone
Posted by Adam Ainbinder in Life on March 27, 2009
“To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.”
Charles William Stubbs quotes (British Historian, 1860-1946)
Lately, I’ve thought a lot about some of the feelings I’ve gone through over the course of the last two months. There have been a lot of downs, a few ups, but mostly a roller coaster. I’ve often sought things to do, ways to occupy my time. But each day when I come home, I am alone.
That has new meaning. 3 months ago, I came home, and I wasn’t alone. And I wasn’t alone for 5 years. I’ve lived on my own before. But that was in a new place in SF, not a place filled with distant memories. I was in a relationship, so I wasn’t alone, but I lived alone. I’m finding these two things are very different. If I look back at my life, I think this is the first time where I’ve really been on my own.
I am now on an individual journey that truly frightens me. I may have friends and a family nearby, but at the end and beginning of each day, I find myself in a bed in darkness looking at the ceiling, wondering what is in store for me that day, that week, this year, and to come…and before when I found myself staring at that same ceiling, I had the comfort of knowing that I didn’t have to find that myself. That I was on a journey with someone else.
That comfort may have disguised my lack of clear individual journey. Muddied with the journey of an us, I fell off my path, and being alone now makes me realize how far off the road I am. With the sudden realization of loneliness, I’ve often felt the urge to “insert new relationship” here. I want that to sound absurd because it is. The “rebound” as I mentioned before is simply a coping mechanism to deal with the current dread of being alone. The more I face loneliness and realize it causes pain rather than pleasure, the more I know I must be alone.
Right now, these days alone end up feeling sadder more often than not. But being alone is also about opportunity, about finding me and discovering what I truly love to do. When you’re with someone, it’s often hard to figure that out as the sense of self is often in conflict with the “we”. Separating the two is not an easy task.
I can say that right now, I can see the road ahead. It’s blurry, and to be honest, there are some serious forks at the entrance, and I don’t know which one to travel down. But they’re sitting in front of me. I just need to take those steps that get me there, that provide me with the courage to take a risk, stand up for what truly lies within me, and to find meaning within my weakest moments.
As the quote above mentions, I’ve had to sit with my conscience quite a bit. And I’ve found myself running away, through drinking, through chatting, through stumbleupon. There has always been at outlet for me, and I’m missing the judgment that lies within from being alone. I know I must face it. I must start my meditation practice and get to know me. But right now, I guess I’m afraid of what I’ll find out.
I don’t intend to make these posts too depressing, but I’m realizing self awareness of life’s situations is the best way to grow and move beyond the current situation. As I began with a quote, I end with one that I think summarizes where I am today and the benefit of this moment.
“The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.”
Henry David Thoreau quotes (American Essayist, Poet and Philosopher, 1817-1862)
My Life...
