“To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.”

Charles William Stubbs quotes (British Historian, 1860-1946)

Lately, I’ve thought a lot about some of the feelings I’ve gone through over the course of the last two months. There have been a lot of downs, a few ups, but mostly a roller coaster. I’ve often sought things to do, ways to occupy my time. But each day when I come home, I am alone.

That has new meaning. 3 months ago, I came home, and I wasn’t alone. And I wasn’t alone for 5 years. I’ve lived on my own before. But that was in a new place in SF, not a place filled with distant memories. I was in a relationship, so I wasn’t alone, but I lived alone. I’m finding these two things are very different. If I look back at my life, I think this is the first time where I’ve really been on my own.

I am now on an individual journey that truly frightens me. I may have friends and a family nearby, but at the end and beginning of each day, I find myself in a bed in darkness looking at the ceiling, wondering what is in store for me that day, that week, this year, and to come…and before when I found myself staring at that same ceiling, I had the comfort of knowing that I didn’t have to find that myself. That I was on a journey with someone else.

That comfort may have disguised my lack of clear individual journey. Muddied with the journey of an us, I fell off my path, and being alone now makes me realize how far off the road I am. With the sudden realization of loneliness, I’ve often felt the urge to “insert new relationship” here. I want that to sound absurd because it is. The “rebound” as I mentioned before is simply a coping mechanism to deal with the current dread of being alone. The more I face loneliness and realize it causes pain rather than pleasure, the more I know I must be alone.

Right now, these days alone end up feeling sadder more often than not. But being alone is also about opportunity, about finding me and discovering what I truly love to do. When you’re with someone, it’s often hard to figure that out as the sense of self is often in conflict with the “we”. Separating the two is not an easy task.

I can say that right now, I can see the road ahead. It’s blurry, and to be honest, there are some serious forks at the entrance, and I don’t know which one to travel down. But they’re sitting in front of me. I just need to take those steps that get me there, that provide me with the courage to take a risk, stand up for what truly lies within me, and to find meaning within my weakest moments.

As the quote above mentions, I’ve had to sit with my conscience quite a bit. And I’ve found myself running away, through drinking, through chatting, through stumbleupon. There has always been at outlet for me, and I’m missing the judgment that lies within from being alone. I know I must face it. I must start my meditation practice and get to know me. But right now, I guess I’m afraid of what I’ll find out.

I don’t intend to make these posts too depressing, but I’m realizing self awareness of life’s situations is the best way to grow and move beyond the current situation. As I began with a quote, I end with one that I think summarizes where I am today and the benefit of this moment.

“The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.”

Henry David Thoreau quotes (American Essayist, Poet and Philosopher, 1817-1862)