Posts Tagged love
Break from the usual: my cat moves on
Posted by Adam Ainbinder in Life on October 28, 2009
Last night I found out that the cat I gave to my ex-wife passed on. He was just under five years old. He died in one of the worst ways I can imagine. He fell from her 15 story apartment in San Francisco. When I got the news last night, I could not stop crying. Riley was the first cat that we got, and he was the cutest little guy.
I’m horrible with death. I have the worst death anxiety, and for those who are close to me, you know I’m really that cat guy who is extremely attached to animals. News of Riley’s death has shaken me, and I know in due time, I’ll move on and cherish the love for my guys more, but in this moment, I can’t help but think about my first pet as a grown up. I kept having horrible dreams last night, and I decided to get up and write a post for Riley.
Riley was the “little guy”. He was smaller than Toby, his brother from the same litter, but boy he was a cute rascal. He always wanted to be “free” from the confines of the house. Toby was happy just being around me. Riley, on the other hand, always wanted to escape. From walking the rail on the balcony to running out the front door and down the hall way as soon as it opened, he was a cat that didn’t want to be trapped. In some ways I think about his jump out the window as his escape. He was moving on and if you believe in reincarnation, maybe he wanted to be something else. I don’t know, but I just know that I miss him.
What hurts me most is I don’t know how Jenn handled it. Jenn has had a tough time moving up to San Francisco, where she really wanted to learn to be on her own and that’s the biggest reason for our divorce. For some of you who are new to my blog, I wrote some pretty detailed posts about the divorce early on, and publicly discussing it really helped me get through it. We’ve remained friends throughout the process, which I think is unusual in this circumstance. So when she broke the news to me last night, I knew it was hard for her because Riley meant everything to her. I know she felt bad for how it happened, and it’s not worth getting into the shoulds and the what-ifs. I hurt for her because i know this loss affects her the most.
The hardest part of his death is that Riley kept Jenn from truly being alone, and it really hurts me to think that he has moved on in life, leaving her to fend the world on her own. I don’t know what I’d do without Toby for the past few months, and if I saw Toby’s dead body lying on the ground after a fall like that, I don’t know how I’d get myself out of bed. It’s been hard enough for me to sleep just imaging Riley on the side of the road, and I don’t know what I’d do if faced with the situation. To be honest, it’s like my worst nightmare. It’s why I can’t watch the I am Legend scene where his dog dies in his hands. Jenn, if you do ever read this, please remember Riley for the pictures here and how awesome he was as a companion. Those images can hurt someone for life, and I want you to remember the good things about Riley so you’re not scarred from getting another pet in your life time. Riley was awesome. Honor him for the support he gave you and the friend he was. I know the feeling can be empty and you’re being a trooper through this. I’m sure your faith has helped!
I try to rationalize it, saying he served a purpose in my life and in hers. That he’s moved on to better places. But it still doesn’t relieve me of the sadness of Riley exiting life before I felt it was his time or the heart ache I feel for Jenn for losing her friend. I think about Shay, a friend who passed away last week from my MBA program, and I think how cruel life can be sometimes, striking some of us down before the natural course of life. I wonder why. Why take this genuine, loving father and husband from us when the higher power had every opportunity to heal him in numerous surgeries (brain cancer). It’s hard for me to engage on Shay’s death because of my overwhelming fear of dying. I’ve read emails from my friends and facebook posts, and I have such a hard time responding or commenting because I would be acknowledging that yes, death can be just around the corner for any of us. Cherish life.
I then I get word about Riley, and it’s like the joke’s on me. It’s like there’s god saying to me, I’m going to make you face this whether you like it or not. I’m going to make you think about the decision to give Riley to Jenn four months ago so that she could have her cat and the natural order could progress. I’m going to make you think about the image of death, how real it is, and how it could be around the corner. I’m going to make you appreciate life. But first, I’m going to show you how real death is…
And this weekend, I’m going to my girlfriend’s aunt’s funeral. Another person who has moved on – another sad day for so many people. Is it god’s way of testing my faith? Of saying, find belief because if you don’t, then what happens when the heart stops and the eyes shut.
I wanted to take a break from my training blogs and get back to why I truly started this blog – to ruminate about life and principally, understand purpose here on earth. There’s nothing that makes you reflect more than death. And I know some of you think Riley was just a cat, move on. But when you raise a pet, when it helps you through tough times, when it’s there for you when you come home everyday and when you need him the most, the loss can be painful. The emptiness can feel so real.
Riley – you were an awesome cat. You provided joy and support for me and Jenn in your life, and you will be forever remembered! Wherever you are, I hope you found peace!
love = commitment
Posted by Adam Ainbinder in Life on July 29, 2009
I’ve been fairly absent the last few weeks from blogging. The occasional training post, but that’s not what my blog is about. This blog is about purpose and meaning in life. I wrote a few months back about what would make me die happy. The first two things that would make me smile on my death bed focused on love – loving everything meaningful in my life and having a loving relationship with my partner through ups and downs.
But what is love? How could I expect to really know what that was coming from a failed marriage? The last few months, I’ve read up on love and spent a lot of time reflecting about it, talking to others about it, trying to feel it with friends/family, but also committing to it with others. Today, I feel slightly wiser, but experience is something I need in order to feel comfortable with love. The beauty of love is that you can experience this day in, day out with anyone.
I’ve read two great books on love recently: Love by Leo Buscaglia and The Art of Loving by Erich Fromm. Art of loving was a little too philosophical for me but had a lot of great points, particularly related to how we love in a capitalistic society. But if you’re going to read one, read Love. Fantastic book.
These books are old: one is >20 years old and the other >50. But the meaning behind them really hits home, and I realized that when it comes to love, despite the changing environment, there is a lot that never will change.
I learned a lot from these books that will be hard to summarize in a blog post. I did have a few great takeaways though:
1) Love is a commitment. Erich Fromm mentions (and this is how I read it) that love is not a feeling but a commitment. If love were a feeling, then how would marriages work? Can you truly have a feeling for 50-60 years? I think that most people believe love is a feeling, and therefore, when the feeling goes away, the relationship should end. Love is a commitment makes much more sense to me.
I believe that all love starts with a feeling, but it ends with commitment. Love is work, and those who believe otherwise, I believe, are idealistic. To expect to be attracted to someone physically, emotionally, and intellectually for years and years while spending most of your living free time together without constantly working at it is unrealistic. Love takes thought and innovation. Love should not be expected but worked at. If you want to love, then you must commit to making it work and not lose sight of this through ups and downs. And if you’re like me and this is one of the top 3 values in your life, then it better be your top priority.
2) Love has no capacity. We have the ability to love as many people as we want. Just because we love our wife and kids doesn’t mean we don’t have the capacity to love our friends, our extended family, strangers, etc… I think people get caught up in the love has capacity theory because love takes work (see (1) above), and therefore, we may not want to take the time to love everyone. But it’s good to separate here capacity to love and time capacity.
3) Loving everyone changes your mindset. This was an indirect message from Love. I started accepting people for who they were and stopped blurring my image of them with past events that may have given me “beliefs” about their intentions. Once I did this, I was amazed at how much happier I was.
Sidebar here: love is not just about caring for someone. It’s also respecting that person and sharing/receiving knowledge. Love is often way more than we think it is, and that really stood out. I always thought it was caring, but if you only care for someone, then how is it mutually beneficial for extended periods of time? Love must last, and to make it last, you must give to the relationship as well as receive.
4) Capitalism has distorted our priorities. Yup, surprising, but my favorite takeaway from Erich Fromm’s book. Basically, we spend all of our time focusing on work from 8 to whenever that when we get home, we want to do nothing. But we’re now not working hard at the time of our life that is most meaningful – time with friends and family. We take vacations to do nothing. We don’t work at our hobbies. We sit in front of computers and tvs.
5) Different types of love. The books disagreed on this point. Love said there are not types of love. Art of Loving said that there are several types: brotherly love, self love,god love, romantic love (different word, but its escaping me). I believe in different types of love, and I’ve struggled quite a lot with self-love. I do believe they are all inter-related though.
When you think about your best friend and the significant other that you love, is it different? Do you tell your best friend that you love them? If you do or have done it in the past, has it felt comfortable? Love (book) really taught me that it’s ok to love your friends and others even though society hasn’t really accepted “I love you” in everyday vocabulary to each other. If the feeling is there, share it.
What do you think about love? Is it something that you take for granted? Do you work on it? I’m curious because I’ve never thought of it as something as critically important…until now
MBA, Friendship, Divorce…a day of reflection
Posted by Adam Ainbinder in Life on June 14, 2009
Today I graduated from the Paul Merage School of Business with my MBA. It was such an awesome day. My family was there to support me, and I had a great time with friends cheering, laughing, and just enjoying our last few hours together before the MBA ended. The experience was bittersweet, but one I’ll remember for a long time.
Three years ago, when I decided to start my MBA, I chose a fully employed, regional program because 1) I didn’t want to go into debt and 2) I was getting married and I didn’t want to be apart from my wife. For the first 1-2 years, I really doubted the value of the MBA and whether it was worth it. As I graduate today, I feel so lucky to have gone through this experience.
I made so many wonderful relationships that I know I will have for a very long time. I’ve found an awesome friend and training partner in Matt, a new female bff in Nour, an awesome friend and business partner in Sherry (and another sistard through this relationship), a gay partner in Mark (we both went to all boys high schools, so we get each other 
), and countless other friends who I will no doubt keep in touch with (and I won’t name all of you at risk of leaving out a name, but you know who you are). To me, this masters in business taught me truly what’s important in life, which is friendship and connecting with others, for that is what life is about. As I’ve questioned countless times in this blog, when I die, that is what will make me die happy.
Jenn, my ex-wife, also attended. I must say that this moment was truly bittersweet. I married Jenn two weeks after the MBA started, and today I graduate only a few weeks from finalizing our divorce papers. It’s pretty hard to describe the emotions I felt spending this afternoon with her.
Jenn is my best friend. She probably knows me better than anyone. As you’ve read in my previous blog posts, our marriage was not meant to be. I’ve had advice from people about whether its good or bad to remain friends during this period of transition from married couple to friends, and I must say that the answer to that question is a tough one. Today is a great example of why.
Hanging out for lunch with my family and Sherry’s family felt like old times. That feeling too is one of happiness in the moment, but sadness when it ends. The end of that moment is the realization that things have changed, and what felt normal for so long is now different. I wish I could describe that with a better word, but its very difficult to explain that feeling. It’s one of pain, anxiety, sadness, but also one of happiness that Jenn and I could realize we’re much better friends than a couple.
There are several “ends” in a divorce. There’s deciding on leaving each other, moving out, creating a separation agreement, signing divorce papers, and moving on with other people. All of these events signify an “end” that is difficult to go through, but makes the next inevitable steps in life easier.
Today, when I dropped Jenn off and went back to our old place, I felt this was another “end”. We had both officially completed our educational pursuits in the past two weeks, and these pursuits began when we were dating. I don’t know if you can only imagine what that feels like, but it’s definitely an unsettling feeling. We’ve finished our education and are moving on to the next stages of our life without each other. The other “end” comes in a month when she moves to SF. These ends get easier, but they’re still hard to deal with in the moment.
Despite how tough these experiences can be, I’m thankful for what Jenn and I have. We get each other, and although we don’t have the relationship love that makes a marriage work, we have that friendship love where we can count on each other. Although it’s a tough transition and space is good, these days are worth every minute.
I’ve revealed a lot in these posts, and I hope being real for each of you reading this helps you in your life. When you go through something similar or have a friend or family member who also encounters these sorts of events, I hope that my blog provides some insight into what could be going through that person’s heart. It’s easy to describe the mind, but the heart tends to hide behind that tough exterior that exists in all of us. I’ve tried to move beyond this exterior and reveal what’s deep down.
So today I graduate an MBA. But I’m no master of business, that’s for sure. I am on this journey of life. After several years of searching for my path, I finally feel like I’m on it. To me, the mastery of life has begun. Thankfully, it can’t be mastered, and I will forever be a student!
Here’s to my day of reflection…
losing a pet
Posted by Adam Ainbinder in Life on May 20, 2009
I received an email tonight from my friend Courtney and her husband Brandon. Their cat passed away. Kylee fought cancer for a few rough months. Each time I think about Kylee, I am sad. I mean really sad. Kylee’s passing affects me way more than I thought.
I really identify with loss now. I hate to say this is a good thing, but it’s one thing I’m proud I’ve learned over the last few months. My grandpa passed away 3-4 years ago, and I didn’t shed a tear. I felt inside, but that connection between that feeling and me was miles apart. Now, my friend’s cat passes away, and I’m deeply saddened by the loss and can’t think about it without a tear running down my face.
Of course I don’t mean to bring up that comparison as a relevant comparison….merely an illustration of the person I am today. I’ve gone through loss in the past few months and I’ve had to process and figure out what life is like when you live with loss. There have been ups, been downs, but that feeling of pain stemming from loss is very real to me now even though it’s not a regular feeling like it once was, I hate to see others go through it because I’m well aware of what it feels like!
I think about Courtney and Brandon and what this loss meant to them. I have so much empathy for what they’re going through, and I feel so bad for them. I wish there’s something that could bring Kylee back, but that’s the thing about loss…it’s gone. And you have to deal with the loss.
I think today about my two cats, riley and toby. I think about them growing up. I think about the day Toby got sick, and I was up all night taking him to emergency hoping that it was just a temporary problem. I think about how each day when I come home, they run to the door and follow me throughout the house. I think about the several nights I couldn’t sleep and sat in my bed, staring at the sealing with tears running down my face, and Toby crawling up to me and not leaving me alone providing love in an otherwise dark moment. I think about how these two boys, although cats, have become a huge part of my life. What would I do if one suddenly fell ill and past?
When you go through crisis in your life, pets are amazing companions. They love you no matter what you do or who you are. They don’t judge. It’s unconditional love (unless of course you don’t feed them, then it could be conditional hate). Tonight, I hug toby and riley a little tighter. With the wicked world we live in, we don’t know what tomorrow brings.
Brandon/Courtney, I’m deeply sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine what it would be like. I’m happy you have each other and you have Bodhi. Your hearts are so big and your love so strong that I know this can’t be a good time. Some people may say its just a pet, but I know how much more a pet can be. You’re in my prayers!
Busyness to deal with loneliness
Posted by Adam Ainbinder in Life on April 25, 2009
Do you ever sit at home, by yourself, and wonder, I NEED to find something to do. I’m talking about that anxiety that pushes you to grab the tv clicker, pick up a book, or flip on the computer.
I’ve had this feeling quite a bit lately. And even though I’ve started TONS of things, I seem to pick up something new each time. I have trouble following things through to completion. For example:
- 4 books on my night stand, all read through about chapter 3
- 3 video games, played through levels 2-3 sitting on my tv stand
- Damages 2nd season, through about 5 episodes; but i have watched all 24s
- Photoshop Learning – 1/3 of the way through
- Learning to draw – 3/4 of the way through the book
- FlexBuilder – through 6 of 40 tutorials to learn the basics
Do you get the picture? Sadly, I could keep listing them. Fortunately, two things I have been good at completing are what really keep me going: training (half marathon next Sunday) and work (primarily, Project Harmony and soon the 18 month rolling forecast).
I’m trying to figure out why I’m like that. I dont think I’ve ever picked up multiple books before to read without finishing the one I’m on. I know that I’m avoiding something, and I can only believe that the thing is loneliness.
But why avoid loneliness? its not one of those feelings that is enjoyable, but is it that unbearable? what causes it too? pain? anger? Why do people, or just me, want to avoid this? its so easy to talk about dealing with this, and then do one of the 50 things that I do to avoid it. well, i think that I’m ready to focus on it. I’m ready to write about it, privately and publicly.
What can come of this? Will it improve my connection with myself going forward? Will it make me a more confident person? Will it do nothing but help me get through what is turning out to be a reflective and painful year? I guess I’ll find out and let you know. If you encounter similar feelings and find yourself “keepin busy”, sit back and reflect why and whether it would be better to sit in the moment of it.
On a positive note, this has been a great week!!! I had a new employee start. She is what I needed to get over the hump at work. I’ve struggled in my new role because I haven’t had the technical expertise to get what I needed completed. I’ve had to rely on counterparts in Germany, which has been great, but there is only a few hour overlap each day where we can get work done. Xiao brings that technical dimension to my work that I’ve been missing locally, and I’m thrilled to have her on board! I think I’m finally going to be able to accomplish great things at HID.
alone
Posted by Adam Ainbinder in Life on March 27, 2009
“To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.”
Charles William Stubbs quotes (British Historian, 1860-1946)
Lately, I’ve thought a lot about some of the feelings I’ve gone through over the course of the last two months. There have been a lot of downs, a few ups, but mostly a roller coaster. I’ve often sought things to do, ways to occupy my time. But each day when I come home, I am alone.
That has new meaning. 3 months ago, I came home, and I wasn’t alone. And I wasn’t alone for 5 years. I’ve lived on my own before. But that was in a new place in SF, not a place filled with distant memories. I was in a relationship, so I wasn’t alone, but I lived alone. I’m finding these two things are very different. If I look back at my life, I think this is the first time where I’ve really been on my own.
I am now on an individual journey that truly frightens me. I may have friends and a family nearby, but at the end and beginning of each day, I find myself in a bed in darkness looking at the ceiling, wondering what is in store for me that day, that week, this year, and to come…and before when I found myself staring at that same ceiling, I had the comfort of knowing that I didn’t have to find that myself. That I was on a journey with someone else.
That comfort may have disguised my lack of clear individual journey. Muddied with the journey of an us, I fell off my path, and being alone now makes me realize how far off the road I am. With the sudden realization of loneliness, I’ve often felt the urge to “insert new relationship” here. I want that to sound absurd because it is. The “rebound” as I mentioned before is simply a coping mechanism to deal with the current dread of being alone. The more I face loneliness and realize it causes pain rather than pleasure, the more I know I must be alone.
Right now, these days alone end up feeling sadder more often than not. But being alone is also about opportunity, about finding me and discovering what I truly love to do. When you’re with someone, it’s often hard to figure that out as the sense of self is often in conflict with the “we”. Separating the two is not an easy task.
I can say that right now, I can see the road ahead. It’s blurry, and to be honest, there are some serious forks at the entrance, and I don’t know which one to travel down. But they’re sitting in front of me. I just need to take those steps that get me there, that provide me with the courage to take a risk, stand up for what truly lies within me, and to find meaning within my weakest moments.
As the quote above mentions, I’ve had to sit with my conscience quite a bit. And I’ve found myself running away, through drinking, through chatting, through stumbleupon. There has always been at outlet for me, and I’m missing the judgment that lies within from being alone. I know I must face it. I must start my meditation practice and get to know me. But right now, I guess I’m afraid of what I’ll find out.
I don’t intend to make these posts too depressing, but I’m realizing self awareness of life’s situations is the best way to grow and move beyond the current situation. As I began with a quote, I end with one that I think summarizes where I am today and the benefit of this moment.
“The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.”
Henry David Thoreau quotes (American Essayist, Poet and Philosopher, 1817-1862)
life trifecta – answering the question, who am i?
Posted by Adam Ainbinder in Life on March 12, 2009
i want to thank @raymondpirouz for his thoughts on my blog post last night via twitter. he had some great insights, but really what I took from him the most was what he referred to as the triangle of life: passion, love, and faith. For faith, i could also think of this as hope, as my previous post from shawshank referred to.
think about that for a moment. i mean literally, stop reading, breathe, close your eyes, and think about those three words: passion, love and hope. do you find those three things prevalent in your life? If so, do you feel your purpose or do you question it?
i look at my life, and i have hope. I have love. And well, i think I’m missing passion. i wrote one of my first posts about being lost when i quit golf back in 1999. i was more passionate than you could imagine back then. I loved golf, and in turn, I loved life.
I practiced when the sun was out, before school, after school, in my room when it was dark, studying books on the sport, practicing in my dorm hallway at school when it was raining outside. I was truly passionate, and each day, I was so happy to wake up and play that game. it carried forward through my life. i was a happier person back then…
quitting left a void. And i became diligent about business, studying and learning so I could be as good as I could be, but there is a big difference between diligence and passion. Passion has an underlying happiness under it. I believe with passion, combined with love, I feel like I could die tomorrow and I would be happy. Passion makes you appreciate everything around you. When I was playing golf, I could appreciate the feeling of outdoors, the sprinkles of rain, the sun, the grass, visualizing a shot, the beauty that lies within a golf course and the camaraderie of playing with fellow golfers and teammates.
now I sit here, 10 years later, making a good living, loving unconditionally, enjoying work, developing friendships, but missing that piece that drives me. I loved @chathri’s comment about being attached to material things. ive felt that recently, and i’m finally aware of how unhealthy it is. @raymondpirouz also talked about this today referring to CEO pay and how ridiculous is it for someone to need millions of dollars. what world do we live in when that becomes what most people (as opposed to everyone) want?
if we’re driven by money, i believe we end up unhappy. in the end, money doesn’t get us connection, love, passion. but for some reason, it seems to buy temprorary happiness. but when that is gone, what do you have? who are u?
living with loss
Posted by Adam Ainbinder in Life on March 5, 2009
This week has been rough. I sat in line at the family court house on Wednesday to file my divorce papers. I can honestly say I haven’t felt that bad in a long time. I don’t know if anyone else out there feels this way, but as I was sitting and waiting for my number to be called, my heart pounded, I had high anxiety, and I felt pain and sadness, but I could not let it out. In this moment, I had to bear with it. It felt like I was squealing in my chair, trapped with no choice but to wait for C-323 to be called. For this is CA, and this is now a court house I’m dealing with to end my marriage.
How messed up is that? I submit my paper work to the clerk, she stamps a bunch of things, asked me for my $350, and the end of my marriage BEGINS. In six months and one day, it will be over. Seriously CA, can you make this any shittier?
So that made this week rough. But like a lot of this pain, each day seems to get better. When this started, it seemed like an hour of pain for an hour of joy (or better, no pain). Later on, it was 2-3 hours of joy for each hour of pain. Now 6-7 hours. So time does heal wounds. The one thing I’ve learned though is when you hit those times of pain, it really hits hard. It hits as hard as the first time, and it doesn’t seem to get easier. I hope with time, this too will dull.
But what’s the best way to deal with that? At the onset of that feeling tonight, I decided to watch Eagle Eye on Blu-Ray. Not the best movie, but it kept me entertained for a good two hours. Then the movie ends, the pain returns. It doesn’t make sense! How can that distraction be literally a temporary gap for a feeling of pain, only to have it return when it ends.
It made me realize that avoidance isn’t a cure. Maybe avoidance buys you team so the heart can heal faster. Maybe avoidance is the fast forward button in life. But is it? Will the heart heal if you avoid? Or will it just hit you one day when the feeling of loss becomes real again? Maybe a different type of loss? A death? A move away?
I’ve heard from several people that a divorce is like a death. A death of us. A death of the future. Is it also a rebirth of individuality? Of me? Timothy Hsu made a great comment to my we vs. I post when he said “Studies show that divorce exacts a greater and longer-lasting emotional and physical toll than virtually any other life stress, including widowhood.” If this is a death, how do you move on? How do you keep a friendship when it is a death of us? Can the relationship and friendship be separated, and you think of the death of the relationship, but not the friendship?
Life is confusing. I don’t know what the next few weeks will bring, but despite these low moments of pain, I feel like there are good moments ahead. I look forward to each. I leave you with two quotes. For me, they help me get through the day.
“We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey.”
Kenji Miyazawa
“When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.”
Kahlil Gibran
why do people rebound?
Posted by Adam Ainbinder in Life on March 1, 2009
I had a quick thought tonight as a few things reminded me of some recent memories that, although happy thoughts, are quite painful at this moment in time. Well, we’ve all heard about the rebound from a prior relationship (and several more of us have experienced this). It’s when you hook up with someone shortly after ending a serious relationship, only to realize 2 to 3 months later that this person is completely wrong for you.
so why did you do it? Most likely, you knew that person was wrong for you in the beginning. but you kept with it.
i think it’s because people erase their memories that cause them pain with new memories with someone who causes WAY LESS PAIN. For example, each time I walk down the hallway of my condo complex, I feel a little depressed. It’s sub conscious, but it’s there. Some days its not, but it really is there several days a week. Well, what if I dated someone immediately who walked down that hallway with me? Maybe 3-4 weeks of that, and my feeling may change. Then, I end the rebound, and I can walk down that same hallway without feeling anything (or so we expect).
Of course, this is a simplified example. When you think about watching TV, sleeping together, going on dates, etc…, you can see the direct correlation in replacing pain with something else. It may not be happiness, but it’s not pain.
I think this is why people rebound. For me, I think the rebound is the worst thing possible at this moment in time. If I don’t feel that pain, I’m ignoring who I am and what I’m made of. I’ve done that enough times in my life to know that feeling is better than faking.
“we” or “i” – which are u?
Posted by Adam Ainbinder in Life on March 1, 2009
I believe the world is made up of two people, “we” people and “i” people. “we” people think of things and events in the collective. Our cats, our place, our trip. “I” people think of things in the singular, obviously. The cats. My trip that I went on with…. The place I live with him. Which are you? If you don’t know right away, then next time you’re in a relationship, see how you describe events you go to with the person, or the things in your place. It’s especially evident when you live with someone.
If you think its obvious that everyone is a “we” when you get married or live together, then you will be sadly mistaken. I don’t know too much of the psychology behind it because I’m not an expert, but “we” people tend to have very positive experiences with family and relationships growing up. I even believe that “we” people tend to have a very strong bond with one parent. “i” people struggle with relationships growing up, particularly with their parents. that is my two cents on the psychology aspect based on personal experience. i could be completely off. Also, this has nothing to do with being selfish or selfless. I know plenty of “i” people who are selfless, while a number of “we” people are incredibly focused on only them. This only relates to how you view relationships and the roles of each person.
Anyways, I am a “we” person. I find myself stuck in “we” lately. I can’t escape it. Everything is “our”. Memories are all “we”. For example, I’ve always been the person that says “we” traveled there rather than I. Now that my marriage has ended, this is growing more painful each day since I’m still stuck in the plural. It makes me think deeper about me though. Why can’t I be an I? Was “we” part of the problem in the marriage? Was I thinking too much of us and not enough of me?
I can’t change the past, and I will slowly escape the plural description of what feels like everything I own or have done. But is it ok to be a “we” person? Is it better to be an “I” and just love and care for the other person you’re with. Yes, I’m going through a divorce, and so I have to deal with the pain of being a “we” person. But loss is a fact of life. If you’re married to someone till death do you part, then one of you will die before the other. At that point, what do you do if you’re a “we”?
I’m learning more about Buddhism, and I’m wondering if “we” creates an unhealthy attachment to things. How do I be an “i” in a healthy relationship? If you’re reading and have an idea, please share. This blog is becoming more about life experiences, and I know you also have plenty of experience to share!
My Life...
